PsychoCinematic: "Oblivion": A Hilarity Guide

Greetings dear readers.

I clearly need to get myself together before April's gone and write a post. I'm surprised at how quickly this month has come and gone. It's speediness is illustrated in my dismal movie-watching productivity during the last four weeks. I have no idea how this is possible, but I've only watched one movie this month.

One.

Okay so I do have some theories about how this happened.

1. We discovered Downton.

You can't seriously expect me to resist that.

2. Boyfriend and I recently ended a six-week streak of having friends visit or otherwise not being both at home at the same time on the weekends. In other words, we've been insanely busy during what is normally movie-watching time.

3. Almost impossibly, I somehow seem to be *more* busy now than I was even a few weeks ago. Much to my displeasure, I recently realized there is not one day during the week on which I get home before 7 pm--and most days it's much later. That shit is getting old, and not just because it totally precludes any mid-week movie watching.

So while my poor showing this month has a perfectly reasonable series of explanations, I am nevertheless displeased. Possibly because the one movie I watched was "Oblivion" (2013).

I can hear your judgement all the way over here.

Yeah I'm not so proud of that.

I'm even less proud of the fact that I was totally pumped to see this movie.

"Why, WHY??" you might reasonably ask.

Well the answer is that, as a mere psychologist-in-training, I just can't claim to fully understand the nuance and mystery of the human psyche. Also sometimes I really like junk food movies, okay? I know Tom Cruise is an anti-useful medication couch-jumping Scientologist douchebag, and I know the movie received an abysmal splat on Rotten Tomatoes. The trailer isn't even that great (and we know how vulnerable I am to a good sci-fi trailer). But something about that movie really enticed me.

Lucky for me, it also enticed Boyfriend. So last week, we made a date of it.

The movie is pretty awful, but not altogether unwatchable. I've given it a 3. But to enhance your viewing experience, should you choose to partake, we've developed the following viewer's guide so you can really wring your money's worth out of this crappy film by laughing your ass off at the abundant ridiculousness that is "Oblivion."

I present to you:

The PsychoCinematic Hilarity Guide to "Oblivion"

I. The makers of "Oblivion" blatantly rip off the following classic science fiction movies:

"The Matrix" (1999)

"The Matrix."

Disclaimer: This is art from the "Oblivion" comic, but still. COMPLETELY THE SAME.

"Independence Day" (1996)

"Independence Day"

Feel a bit familiar?

Even (the arguably not at all classic) "Star Wars Episode I" (1999)

Good Christ what an awful movie.

Don't be confused by the gray palette--this chase/race felt very similar.

II. Speaking of pod races, get ready for a lot of close-ups of Tom Cruise variably trying to look badass and looking like he needs a bathroom with a high degree of urgency:

Gotta go gotta go gotta go RIGHT NOW.

III. We are supposedly 60 years post-worldwide atomic bombing holocaust. The half-life of some components of nuclear fallout is 24,000 years. Wondering how to suit up for a stroll outside?

Leathers and a baseball cap will surely suffice.

"Golly the radioactivity is brisk today!"

IV. While we're on the topic of post-apocalyptic fashion, clearly if you are the only lady left on the planet and you are tasked with ensuring the survival of humanity, you would dress like this:

With nary a fake eyelash out of place:

After all, yes you've got some serious shit to do, but that doesn't mean a girl can't take some time to look her best!

"I know we'll die out as a species if we don't stay focused on our mission,
but seriously, does my eye liner look okay?"

V. In case you were wanting to pick up some tips for piloting small aircraft in the investigation of a crashed unknown projectile from outer space, clearly the best spot to set down is: