Crawling to the Finish Line

Hi guys,

You might have noticed that I've taken a two month hiatus from post writing.

Perhaps predictably, this annoys me immensely, as this hiatus was largely against my will.

I missed my monthly post deadline in May for very good reasons: Boyfriend and I were in Europe for an incredible 2+ week trip, and I lost track of what day it was.  Although I wasn't happy to miss a month because I really wanted to post regularly this year, it seemed like a pretty good reason to slip up.

(Related additional updates and fabulous pictures post on the horizon!)

THIS month, however, my reasons feel largely unacceptable.

The following reasons are exceptions: Boyfriend's sister and a classmate got married, and I planned and attended my best friend's bachelorette party.  These are the happiest time commitments possible.

On the other hand: June was the last month of my second and final externship, and it was insane.

During the past four weeks, I kept being reminded by colleagues and loved ones that I was almost done.  This seemed to be an attempt to soothe me by reassuring me that the stress and rush and lack of sleep and utter dearth of personal time would all be over soon, and that before I even knew it I would be able to relax.

Instead, the reminders made me feel like this:

...because in reality, it felt not like I was so close to being done that the year would be over before I knew it, but instead more like this:

Near-ish as in, definitely not near enough.

...which is to say that even a month, even a week, even a day at this break-neck, so-tired-and-overworked-I-can-hardly-think speed felt like WAY TOO FUCKING MUCH TIME.  TOO MUCH.

Major caveat being: I loved my clients and my actual real-live therapy time so very much.  I've done deeply satisfying work this year, and with very very few exceptions, everyone I've worked with has gotten dramatically better.  That's not something that can be taken for granted in mental health care, especially in only a year, and I am so grateful for the sense of satisfaction, efficacy, and hope my work this year has given me.

That being said, being so busy has severely impacted my ability to function as highly as I am accustomed to.  Especially during the last month, it has reduced my ability to think and plan things outside of work to something like this:

I know I'm mixing my show metaphors.  DEAL WITH IT.

...which, unsurprisingly, led to the following precipitous decline in my attitude:

Replace "season" with "trimester of the past year"
and yep, you've pretty much got it.
Except I never had a cool hat.

Basically, it's been a tough year.

Maybe it seems silly and counter-productive for me to give myself a hard time about not adhering to an arbitrary expectation I set for myself however long ago, especially when I have so many other things to worry about and several exceedingly large demands on my time.  I guess it is a bit silly, since I'm in essence finding another thing to be hard on myself about.

The thing is, one of the biggest reasons I started writing this blog was to keep on myself about my own self-care.  I love writing for fun, and if I don't make a point to do it regularly, I basically only write for work.  I've kept my 52 movies/year goal because I love movies, and it's a way to keep a little extra joy in my life.  If I don't make time to watch movies because I don't have time and don't write blog posts because I don't have time, a major component of my system of self-care has seriously fallen apart.

That really sucks.

The good thing is, in spite of my feeling that work would NEVER BE OVER, it is.  It is!  And now I get a break of almost two entire months before I start internship, and after that, I will be done in the biggest way ever: I will be done with graduate school.

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

Oh what a relief.

As the fatigue wears off, an immense wealth of excitement is building in my heart.  This summer, I'm going to watch SO MANY MOVIES.  I will sleep in SO MANY DAYS.  I will write SO MANY THINGS.  AND I now have some very delightful things to plan.

Looking forward to sharing that with all of you.

{Heart}