I'm surprised to note that it's been over 5 years since I wrote an installment in my Terrible Year Survival Guide series. Well, I'm thinking for some reason that this might be a good time to revisit it?
I have all sorts of thoughts about the psychological impact of what is unfolding around the world, some of which might actually stand the test of time and some of which might prove to be somehow wrongheaded. In the former category, I assert that toxic positivity and productivity cultures need to die in a fire.
If this is a time that you are able to pick up a new hobby or complete some passion project, I of course do not intend to discourage you. What I intend to do is encourage you to freaking keep it to yourself rather than use your (apparently very privileged) position as a stick with which to hit other people.
With that PSA as our preamble, I would like to offer my humble suggestion for how to engage in some self-care during this scary, traumatic, surreal period we're all living through.
As the pandemic has unfolded, one of the things that struck me early on is how this situation demands an upending of many of the truths I typically take for granted as a psychologist with expertise in treating anxiety disorders. (Suddenly, for example, washing your hands more is actually appropriate? But only to a point.)
One of those upended truths is: Lots of tuning out is not effective self-care.
In anything resembling the normal world, I will fight this fight. Under normal circumstances, tuning out--meaning doing things, often for long periods of time or with high rates of frequency, that are not terribly emotionally engaging but are just absorbing enough to tune out painful or unsettling thoughts and feelings--is avoidance.
Anyone who knows much about treating anxiety disorders knows that avoidance is the enemy. Avoidance blocks people from learning to feel their feelings--even when they are uncomfortable--and be skillful anyway. So I am typically an opponent of over-reliance on tuning out to "cope" with the world--in fact, I don't even call it coping, because coping implies a degree of mastery over the thing that is being coped with. Avoidance, and tuning out in particular, is instead only temporarily pushing away that which must at some point be coped with.
All that said, in this pandemic-y alternative universe-y world? I'm seriously reconsidering whether a whole bunch of tuning out might be exactly what's needed.
That's because there is another psychological principle that I've been checking in with a lot lately, both for my clients and for myself. That is the differentiation between pain and suffering.
Pain, in some form and quantity or other, is a part of every person's life. It is not optional or avoidable. It is not under our control. It could be losing a loved one or a job, it could be a physical ailment or an emotional one--everyone has their bag of rocks to carry. Your rocks are different from my rocks, but we all have rocks, and those rocks suck.
Suffering, on the other hand, is our reaction to our bag of rocks that makes its weight more arduous to bear. It is our reactions to pain that are unskillful—our resistance to the fact of our pain, our refusal to make space for it in our lives, that makes things worse.
But good news! Suffering is also thoroughly optional. This means it is also under our control.
The world right now is full of an over-abundance of pain—so much more pain than we are used to and, because it's all happening in combination, have never before had to cope with: the pain of loss, the pain of worrying about loved ones or ourselves if we are vulnerable to this frightening novel virus, the pain of losing a job and financial strain, the pain of not being able to see our families and friends, the pain of not being able to enjoy or even just take for granted the banal little tasks of our everyday lives, the pain of not having regular interactions with our neighbors and our communities, the pain of canceled trips, milestones, and events, the pain of lost access to so many things that softened and sweetened our lives... all of this compounded pain feels wholly overwhelming sometimes. Its weight is enormous, and there are times when carrying it feels impossible.
Under these circumstances, giving ourselves a break from this reality--tuning out--is perhaps exactly what is needed. Reality is the same whether we do it or not, but staying in constant conscious awareness of it is, at best, depleting. At its worst, it actively erodes any semblance of wellness or resilience we might possess. So, best to transport ourselves from this mess the world is in, even just for a short time.
My chosen, personally vetted, and highly recommended strategy for PsychoCinematic Tuning Out?
Reruns.
Specifically: old reruns.
Even more specifically: old reruns of generally positive, diverting entertainment with minimal/no stakes.
Why that? I'll tell you why:
1) Old = well predating any of the precursors that led to this awful event.
To be more specific with this guideline: Nothing during or after November 2016. Maybe nothing from 2016 at all, just to be safe.
2) Generally positive = the chance of not just being numbed out, but actually feeling something nice for a minute. Remember how sometimes we used to feel nice?
3) Diverting entertainment = enough mental engagement to actually truly give your brain a break from thinking about how awful everything is.
4) Minimal/no stakes = to maximize the chances of feeling nice, it is very important to minimize the chances that you'll actually care about the outcome of what you're watching and be disappointed.
Everyone has their own version of what might fit this bill. Some family members of mine have been watching mid-90s NBA games. In my opinion, Great British Baking Show is the peak version of this form of diversion. Sadly, Husband and I gobbled up all the GBBS reruns before and while I was on maternity leave, so for us it's not going to meet the 3) criterion. So, our choice: Heidi Klum and Tim Gunn-era Project Runway. Specifically that, because Karlie Kloss-era PR runs afoul of criterion 1):
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Hoping this is at least a little bit helpful, and looking forward to coming out the other side of this with all of you.
{Heart}
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