Almost New Year's Greetings!
I've been reflecting on the fact that, in spite of anticipating having more time and more brain space to like have a life and an identity outside of work/training and stuff, that has not in practice actually been the case.
This is evident in many things, not the least of which being that this year signals the smallest number of blog posts I've written in a year since beginning this little blog, and the first year since its inception that I have ever-so-barely hit my 52-movies-per-year goal. I watched my 52nd movie last weekend after somewhat-frantically realizing that if I didn't aggressively step up my movie-watching game this month, I would fall short; as a result, I watch 9 movies this month. Obviously in some ways that's great, because that's a lot of movies... but it's also a cue that something is going on here that needs my attention.
My post in July definitely signaled a turning point for me, although where that turning point is leading me I'm still unsure. In spite of a very strong, rational, personal values and self-care-driven commitment to movies and writing about them, I sat to write that post and just didn't want to. With regard to this particular writing endeavor, I've been feeling strikingly blah and uninspired to varying extents ever since.
I've entertained the possibility that this is just something I've--what? outgrown? lost interest in?--but that doesn't feel right at all when I really sit with it. I would certainly have a hard time giving myself permission to opt out of something I've committed myself to, but that's not why I'm rejecting that potential explanation. It just doesn't sound right to me. And for that matter, if movies and talking about them in this forum is something I've lost interest in, it's the lack of interest that's a problem rather than the endeavor itself.
I think the more honest and difficult explanation is that I still have not figured out how to find a healthier and more livable balance in my life. To the contrary, I now get home later than I want to almost every work night and feel frenzied most of the time by all the things I am under-attending to when I'm not at work. That is in part because I have to find a job after my postdoc ends in a few months, which is of course a demanding exploit that has involved time off work with compensatory over-scheduling of clients on my non-off-work days to avoid disrupting their treatment while I'm away. It's also because my commute is way too long. It's also because I don't like saying no to things at work because I like my work. It's also because I have definitely not yet figured out how to set and adhere to boundaries that empower me to have a life with room to breathe.
Sometimes I despair because it seems like the era of my life in which I can actually have that breathing room will never come. There are certainly basically no people I can think of who seem to have that room, so the lack of role models is deeply disheartening. There's always another thing to hustle for, another thing where you tell yourself it'll just be like this for another few days/weeks/months/years and you can make it work. For godsakes, I don't even have kids yet (should I be lucky enough to have them at all).
Aside: The first person to tell me the era I'm longing for will come when I retire will be pinched.
ANYWAY. My lack of a sense of inspiration about this project, I believe, is a direct by-product of this imbalance, anxiety, frustration, exhaustion, and losing-battle struggle. It is therefore a thing I must fight to win back. Consider this the first of however many resolutions for 2016.
That, of course, and my vow to watch 52 movies.
Enjoy a wonderful evening tonight and a peaceful and happy New Year!
{Heart}
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