Happy New Year cherished readers, and Happy Martin Luther King, Jr Day!!
In keeping with tradition and before we are too far into the new year for this to not feel silly, I would like to revisit last year's new year's resolutions and put forward my resolutions for 2015.
...I am now realizing that I set out like way, wayyyy too many things for myself last year, starting with two overarching goals:
- Cultivate a loving and accepting stance toward all living things.
- Develop a more positive-focused outlook.
Hilarious.
I'm feeling surprisingly annoyed with myself for setting out these goals for myself in the midst of the most punishing year of my life to date. They seem so fundamentally unkind in their unrealistic-ness.
They came, of course, from a good place--a place that recognizes that we are often the creators of our own suffering, and that through mastering our thoughts and minds, we can create content and peaceful lives under most circumstances.
I also have some lingering belief that all humans are worthy of care and kindness, although clinging to that belief has honestly gotten harder than I like to admit. That's partly because this Chipotle bag rings alarmingly true:
It's hard for me to accept that the proportion isn't much higher than that without feeling lonely and more than a bit misanthropic. (Also do I really need to reflect on this while I'm eating my tacos, Chipotle?? You're ruining my guacamole buzz.)
I think that, although these goals hold true, their timeframe was all wrong. They are lifetime goals. They were not realistic for a year during which what I really needed to focus on was emotionally surviving. I was doing my best to aim higher than that, but sometimes it might just be too much to ask for more.
My remaining, overly numerous resolutions from last year were:
1. Start a daily journal of good things that happen.
This was in the spirit of a project I learned about after making this resolution, 100 Happy Days. It's a very nice idea and seems like, in principle, it should work.
But my attempt was a pretty abysmal failure. I persisted basically daily until early March, when I just couldn't do it anymore. On March 9th, I wrote, "I lost a few days there where I just couldn't push myself to do this task, even though it's good for me. I gave myself permission to take a break from it out of kindness to myself." My writing became spotty to nonexistent after that.
Sometimes, when life feels really difficult or painful, it feels impossibly tone-deaf and invalidating to take time to focus on the positive. When stuff hurts too much, it just doesn't feel kind to ask yourself, "But what feels good?"
Happily I guess, a few months later I took a stab at it again, or maybe just decided to say goodbye to this exercise. In July, I wrote, "Depression ends, and life is always waiting to remind you that it's beautiful, kind, and welcoming when you come back to it."
So there's that.
2. When someone asks how I'm doing, I will find a positive thing to share with them.*
"I'm still breathing"?? Fuck you, past self.
3. Start daily mindfulness and lovingkindness practices.
I was very fortunate to get to take a mindfulness course for several weeks as a part of my new job, and I'll be continuing my mindfulness-focused research in my current position.
That being said, I definitely did not meaningfully incorporate either of these practices into my daily life--I just failed to launch a meaningful system for reminding myself. I'm hesitant to vary from my Zen-y meditation practice, but I do still think that integrating lovingkindness practices into my regular practice would be good for me.
4. Leave/write myself little reminders that every living thing is doing the best they can in that moment and I must do my best to be accepting and patient even if it drives me FUCKING INSANE.
I really should have done this. Driving is a surprisingly potent misanthropy enhancer for me. Ugh.
5. Deepen meditative practices by reading Buddhist things and at least trying one or two sangha meetings to see if they're weird or possibly okay/good.
I need to do some self-examination about why I keep avoiding going to a sangha. I think I'm anxious that I'll feel like way too much of a noob? Sitting for a really long time might be hard around a bunch of other people? Maybe I'm hesitant to commit to a place when I'm not sure whether Husband and I will be living in this area for much longer? These are silly and poor explanations, but they're the closest I've got at the moment.
I did totally read the entirety of my Daily Dalai Lama book, though!
6. Get my finances in order.
Next.
7. Get better at doing things that make me happy most days.
This only became even remotely possible after internship ended. I will say that I've improved dramatically since then, even with the advent of new job. So yay?
8. Watch ALL THE MOVIES.
Finally some unqualified success!
Jesus Christ what a jackass I was to myself 12 months ago. My expectations were way too high. Gah!
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| Like seriously. I could do this at myself all day at this point. |
Okay, punishment by eyeball-rolling-at-self aside, I do have some hopefully much more compassionate and attainable goals in mind for the coming year.
They are!
1. More Buddhist readings. More!
On it.
And since this is so freaking dense and arcane, I have some other books in reserve in case I start hating this one. But hopefully I won't.
And also maybe I'll get over my sangha avoidance at some point or whatever.
2. Reduce mindless and aimless screen time.
I've grown increasingly resentful of the time I let bullshit screen-y stuff suck out of my days (pardon me while I glare angrily in Facebook's direction). I've started trying to replace that time by a) doing stuff in the real world, and b) keeping long-form articles up in my internet browser (Like this one! Amazing!!) so when for whatever reason I'm dicking around on my computer or phone, I actually feel like I'm putting substance in my brain instead of some toxic mix of feelings of inadequacy and schadenfreude.
Movies are not covered under this resolution, obvi.
3. Let more objects go and enjoy what we keep.
Our apartment is full of things--too many things. We don't need or use many of the things. I've gotten in more and more of a habit of simply summarily ejecting things we don't need via recycling, trash, or leaving things on the sidewalk for scavengers (often the most surprisingly efficient option!), and I have yet to regret it. The extra space and greater sense of feng shui we get in our home as a result is a huge reinforcer.
We also have immensely generous family and friends who bestowed all sorts of exciting new things on us when Husband and I got married. We can make like 12 different kinds of pasta now! We can juice things, fry things, blend things, convect things, cut things, bake things, carry things places, serve things in pretty bowls... Not to mention the bounty we already have as first-world dwellers in the form of books, movies, clothes, etc. that we underutilize or fail to enjoy at all.
4. Facilitated by our beautiful new food apparatuses, I want to cook more and learn to cook new stuff.
I'm thinking of trying out Blue Apron or Plated or something similar, because mangling my way through stuff I haven't done before WITHOUT also having to choose wtf to make or go shopping will be much more realistic when cooking on weekdays. The services seem pretty cost effective and friends who have tried them are generally excited about them. Also this seems like a great strategy for eating more vegetables, which is something I am occasionally bad at.
Because why vegetables when you can cheese?
5. More learning on the agenda: Study for and kick the shit out of the licensing exam, and otherwise learn voraciously.
This year's terrifying-yet-necessary resolution! The last last last last last last LAST hurdle I have to complete to finally be a real live adult professional human is take my licensing exam. This has to be taken within a year of starting my current position, and I'm currently aiming for May to just have it over with.
The test is super annoying because it requires knowledge of an obscenely overly comprehensive amount of psychological stuff (research methods? brain structures? industrial/organizational? NO ONE LEARNS I/O!!!). But it's also just a test. It'll be really good to have it done, plus I have a very reliable study buddy to keep me on track.
Also! Although the lazy reptile part of me hates it, one of the major advantages of my current job is that I'm having to learn about a variety of things I have not had to do before. The lazy reptile in me sometimes despairs and panics because HAVE I SERIOUSLY LEARNED *NOTHING* IN FIVE YEARS OH GODDDDDD. But the more rational mamalian part of my brain recognizes that human mental health is immensely complex and can go askew in a variety of very different ways, and so what's really important is being flexible and resourceful in response to each new, unique human I encounter in my work.
But still, this guy must be stopped.
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| I KNOW NOTHINGGGGGGG |
To counteract mean defeatist doubter reptile mode, I have actively acquired a jillion (scientific term) new treatment manuals and am actually expecting myself to read them so I can know more stuff and get the reptile to shut up.
6. Remind myself to love all living things each day.
Why am I doing this to myself? Because I have to keep trying. And at least at the moment, I have nowhere near any of the excuses to not try that I did a year ago. My life is much easier and happier than it's been in a long time, and because this is a life-long goal, I have to keep chipping away at it.
The aforementioned lovingkindness stuff should help.
And finally!
7. Watch 52 movies!
Always! Always more movies!
I'm excited to share 2014's year-in-movies-in-review, hopefully shortly!
Until then!
{Heart}
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