Closing 2013: Resolutions Edition

Why good evening,

I'm back from a week at where-I-grew-up home and am most of the way through a very-needed holiday break.

A few days ago I had the immense pleasure of watching "Kundun" (1997) with my mom and stepdad.  The movie tells the story of the current Dalai Lama's childhood, adolescence, and young adulthood, concluding with his departure-under-duress from Tibet to India.

There's a scene early in the movie in which the young Kundun is told by a teacher that it is his responsibility to love all living things, every day.  In the midst of a compelling, riveting, and inspiring story, this small moment burned very bright.  What a simultaneously simple and overwhelming task!  What an amazing imperative for all human beings!

I started to think about how I might keep myself in better, more consistent touch with that imperative for the rest of my life, starting with the new year.  Especially as I prepare to get married in 2014, I've been thinking a lot about how I want to greet that milestone.  That is partly because I know taking that step takes me closer to other even more exciting and life-altering milestones (translation: BABIES!!).  

With such beautiful things drawing ever closer, I want to consciously prepare myself to be the best possible person I can be so that I'm in the strongest position to meet their challenges and embrace their joys.  Anticipating these changes has been an opportunity to reflect on the kind of person I want to be and plan for how to more fully become her.

All of this thinking informs many of my resolutions for the coming year.  Before I get to that, though, it seemed like it would be informative to look back on how I did with last year's resolutions.

1. Increase meditative practice.

I was hoping not only to continue meditating, but to increase the length of my meditation sessions and deepen my practice with Buddhist readings and maybe going to community meetings.

Heh.

So: Happily, I have continued my habit of meditating almost every morning.  I have occasionally been able to sit for longer periods, but that is very relatively speaking.  I have done basically zero readings and I have not gone to any sangha meetings.  So I didn't do so hot on this one in 2013.

2. Take more pictures.

This is another mixed one.  I very happily had occasion this year to go on some spectacular trips and see many beautiful things, and during these times I was decent to pretty stellar in taking photographs.  However, I chose this resolution because I missed having photography as a more regular part of my life, instead of something I only indulged in under unusual, vacation-y circumstances.  For a relatively brief time at the beginning of 2013, I was pretty good at working on this resolution by launching my museum challenge in advance of learning of my internship match results.  However, after I matched, I let that habit fall very much by the wayside.

3. SERIOUSLY: Call people more.

In summary: Sigh.

4. Accept and embrace the remainder of the internship process.

It may have been in the eleventh hour, but I must say: I kind of rocked this one.  I continue to be very proud of wrestling my sense of well-being and peace back from the stupid internship process, although I still feel bad that I accidentally freaked my classmates out.

5. Watch SO MANY MOVIES.

Year-in-movies-in-review post pending, but I'm very pleased to report that I was quite successful with this resolution, too.

Okay so I win some and I lose some.  Even though I feel genuinely disappointed that I failed to make progress on my earlier goals, it's useful to be aware of that so I know I probably need to try a different strategy.

For my personal development-y resolutions, I have two somewhat interrelated goals.  The first, as discussed above, is to cultivate a more loving and accepting stance toward all living things, even the ones that fucking piss me off.

One possible drawback of my new access to a vehicle.

The second goal is to try to develop a more positive-focused outlook.  I established a late-midyear resolution targeting this goal in advance of starting internship, and let's be real: I have not done so hot with it.  

I would argue that's in part because this year has really outdone itself, even compared to previous very challenging training years.  But to look at things positively (see how I did that??), that means I am in an optimal position to practice focusing on the positive.  If everything were amazing, I would not have many opportunities to practice.  So hurray for punishingly hard years!!?

Hurrayyyyyyyyy.....

No but seriously.

With those two major goals in mind, here are my first few resolutions for 2014:

1. Start a daily journal of good things that happen.

This is maybe not the most elegant way to induce a positive outlook, but my theory is that by making a point to regularly find good things that happened in a day, even if that day was really terrible, I'll spend more time noticing and appreciating the things that go well and less time focusing on what did not.

2. When someone asks how I'm doing, I will find a positive thing to share with them.*

Because of the way in which I'm wired as a human, when someone asks how I am, I'm more quick to report on the things that don't feel good rather than the things that do.  The thing is, there are always both types of things happening in any given moment.  The things that hurt just often get more air time than the things that don't.  

The asterisk is in this one because there have been and will be days when I need to share the things that hurt because I need support, and when some people ask how I am, that's what they're offering.  However, I think it would be good for me to practice focusing on the things that are going well in the moment and not just by writing them down at the end of the day.  This will ideally have the added benefit of cheering up colleagues and others, and God knows they need it sometimes just as much as I do.

Part of my plan with this resolution is, instead of offering an unconvincing "I'm okay" as my response to inquiries about my emotional status, I want to default to something perhaps silly sounding like, "I'm still breathing!" if I can't think of anything better to say.  Maybe that sounds insanely trite or flippant, but seriously: even in the worst moments ever, that is something to be immensely grateful for and celebratory about.  Sometimes I need to remind myself of that.

3. Start daily mindfulness and lovingkindness practices.

I still have to think through how this might work, but here's a tentative plan: My morning meditations are more Zen-y, focusing only on my breath.  I like that approach, especially in the morning.  It's calm and centering.  I'm thinking I'll save these practices for later in the day, maybe alternating days because there's a limit on how many minutes are in every day and I'm trying to be realistic about how many new things I can do.

Anyway: mindfulness stuff will help me deepen my general meditative practices and are generally good for you (per my forthcoming dissertation, woo!), and lovingkindness practices facilitate better, deeper compassion for the self and for others.  So they are all really good things and I would like to do them.

4. Leave/write myself little reminders that every living thing is doing the best they can in that moment and I must do my best to be accepting and patient even if it drives me FUCKING INSANE.

Per my earlier admission, these reminders will be featured, among some possible other places, in my car.

One more?

Okay one more:

Remaining resolutions:

5. Deepen meditative practices by reading Buddhist things and at least trying one or two sangha meetings to see if they're weird or possibly okay/good.

Yes I pretty much failed to do this last year.  Yes some people define insanity as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.  I might have to ban myself from reading any other literature if we get to, say, October and I'm still not doing this shit, but I'm okay with that.

6. Get my finances in order.

In the short-term, graduate school is an utter and complete financial catastrophe.  In the long-term I am clinging to the commonly-held possible delusion that it will seem like the smartest thing ever.

We'll see.  But very happily and luckily, there are things I can do to help get myself into a good place in advance of my blessed, heralded exit from grad school (see also: testing!), and I hope to do them with enough regularity to see some positive results by this time next year.  This is particularly important to me in advance of my wedding.

7. Get better at doing things that make me happy most days.

See also: taking pictures, jeez!!  I also plan to order coloring books and colored pencils, because I heart coloring.  I want to go to museums way more often than I have in the last few months.  I want to keep having fun outings with Fiancé.

Etc.

And finally!

8. Watch ALL THE MOVIES.

Or at least 52!

Okay bedtime.  Enjoy the last day of the year!!

{Heart}