Grasping at Time

Hello friends,

I've been reflecting a lot on the observation I shared at the beginning of my last post that watching movies and writing about them has been a way to grasp at and mark the remaining parental leave I have before I return to work.  At this point, I'll be starting my transition back to work in less than two weeks.

It feels like time is accelerating toward the end of the month.  It feels like it's moving with merciless speed, like a rope that's slipping through my hands even though I want to grab hold with all my strength.  It's gotten to the point in the last several days where I've started having a strong sensation almost like undergoing general anesthesia: you close your eyes for what seems like just a second, but by the time you open them again huge chunks of time have passed.  I truly don't understand how over two months have already elapsed since Second Child was born.  It doesn't feel remotely like two months have happened, and already I have to plan for and anticipate a very-fast-approaching return to work.  It's a crushing, heartrending feeling.

Keeping a running list of movies I've watched each of these months and writing about some of those movies really has been a way to to re-ground myself in the reality that I have been here, with my Child and our family, every day.  Sitting on the couch with my Child and watching movies while he eats and sleeps feels as close to a vacation as a parental leave possibly could (because ultimately, no matter how lovely and heart-filling it is, it definitely isn't a vacation).  The days I have gotten to snuggle a sweet little baby and watch whatever I want have felt like the height of luxury for a parent of a newborn, and my list of films and the many blog posts I've written attest that many of those days have happened.  February and March happened, and there's still a bit of April to go before I leave this little oasis in which I just get to be a parent and a partner.

I know that grasping is futile, and that's nevertheless what I'm doing.  The best we can do with precious time is be as fully present for it as we can.  In a way, I think that it's in part because I've been focused on being present that the time has gone by so fast--I've just been trying to soak in every beautiful, happy moment and not get too far into the tasks of the future.  

It's also, thankfully, easier (for us, at least) having a Second Child because there is so much less uncertainty and struggle.  I just get to enjoy Second Child being a cute little baby because we already figured out so much by going through these early stages with First Child.

Luckily and happily (and not unlike First Child), Second Child is a robust, adorable, sweet, happy, easy, beautiful, peaceful (mostly), cute little baby.  We are so lucky that, like First Child, Second Child is healthy and pretty straightforward.  He tells us when he's hungry, tired, or uncomfortable, but is otherwise content to babble, beamingly smile, excitedly hustle and thrash his little baby limbs all over the place, or just blissfully hang out.

All of these factors, I think, only put more weight on the accelerator of time.  I have this sweet easy little baby, I know what I'm doing as a parent, I've been intentional in how I've spent our time together, and I've spent a good amount of that time doing things I enjoy.  Of course the time feels like it's passed in the blink of an eye.  Really, with all this I think I'm just trying to find a fancy new way to say that time flies when you're having fun (and sleep deprived), and to acknowledge to myself that this is maybe what happens when your life is good: it goes by fast.

For further self-grounding, here are some other things that we did in the past two-ish months:

• We came home from the hospital.
• We introduced Second Child to First Child then immediately took both children to pediatric appointments, listening to Marvin Gaye in the car on the way with our beautiful babies in what immediately became a precious core memory for me.
• We introduced Second Child to our pets.
• We've had visits from family and friends, including a big family gathering for the Super Bowl.
• We've gone on walks in our beautiful neighborhood.
• We went forsythia picking.
• We've gone to the zoo (twice!).
• We got through our first baby cold and mastered two kinds of boogie removers.
• We've taken advantage of the food we cooked and froze before Second Child was born, but also have managed to cook a decent amount.
• I have eaten approximately 10,000 deli sandwiches because I missed deli meats while I was pregnant, and also going to pick them up gives me a little reprieve to listen to cursing-intensive leftist podcasts.
• Second Child grew out of newborn clothes in record time and is already ready for size 3 dipes.
• Second Child has been smiling since his second day on Earth and has continued to show us gorgeous, ebullient, bright-eyed smiles.
• Second Child has developed incredible cheeks, eyelashes, and amazing squishy arms and legs.
• As we watched winter turn into spring, First Child has gotten to play in leaves and learn to identify several kinds of flowers, and Second Child has accompanied us while we build new flower beds, clean out existing ones, and plant seeds.

I'm so sad (and a lot of other things) to know I'll soon be leaving this period of my life behind.  I'm also so grateful to love the work I'm returning to and to know that Husband and I have been through this before, so we know how to get through it again.  Above all, I'm so grateful for every member of our now a bigger family and every moment we get together.

And of course, I'm also grateful to have so many movies I'm excited to write about, and so many left to enjoy.

{Heart}