Happy Belated Thanksgiving! 2021 Edition

Hi friends,

I hope you all enjoyed a happy, healthy holiday last week.  

Husband, Child, and I were really lucky this year: we got to spend the holiday with some of our family, because of vaccines, pre-travel and home testing, and honest communication around precautions.  The time together was immeasurably precious in no small part because my Child got to meet one aunt and uncle for the first time, and he got to see my brother and his new wife for the first time since before the pandemic.  I have wished for this time together for almost two years, and I am so grateful it could actually happen.

This is therefore a particularly timely opportunity to reflect upon the things for which I am grateful.

(And now I'm going to be cryptic for a moment for a bunch of legitimate reasons, so vaguery ahoy.)  

Looking back over the entire year this has also been an inconceivably emotionally challenging year for me--and I don't say that lightly after how difficult last year was, when I wasn't even confident about writing a post on gratitude because things seemed so bleak.  In the past year, the pandemic has honed and clarified some patterns in parts of my life to the point that they have required my attention, introspection and deep, committed, persistent labor.  I've had moments of revelation that have been excruciating.  It has been truly humbling how overwhelmed and destabilized I've felt at those times; it felt like the world was bending around me to the point of being unrecognizable.  As my head swam and my heart reeled, I finally had to accept that my narrative of these parts of my world was not true, was no longer serving me, and that it never had.

With that said, this year I am thankful for:

• Seeing things more clearly now, and accepting clarifying truths about my life that earlier versions of myself could not.  As I let go of my denial, I am liberated in ways I could not have previously appreciated.  I feel lighter, more grounded, and more available to the relationships that make me feel loved and happy.  
• Having relationships to turn and return to.  I am so fortunate and grateful that so many people were waiting for me once I finally woke up, like:
• My Husband, my refuge and stalwart ally.
• My Child, who brings me limitless joy just by existing.
• My best friend, who loves me generously and in ways I still don't know how to love myself.
• The friends and family, many of whom have shown up for me, almost miraculously, exactly when I needed them and have been lighting my way to greater health and happiness when I have had no idea how to find it myself.
• The friends and family who have simply reached out to check on me because they know I've been in pain.
• My hard-won understanding that love is not only a feeling, it's actions.  If a person is not capable of loving you through consistent action, their love serves them and not you.

I'm also thankful for:

• Gorgeous beaches with laughing gulls overhead and little birds that run in the surf.  My Child screaming with thrilled joy on sight of the giant, rolling ocean.
• Walks through every corner my infinitely beautiful neighborhood as the seasons change.
• The community pool just down the street with a baby pool and almost no one using it in the middle of the day on work days, where my Child could roam freely and start learning how to play in water bigger than a bathtub.
• Storm King.

• Reading board books with my Child.
• Returning to the classroom with a new set of kind, thoughtful students.
• My cats, my dog, and my sweet little bird.
• Anyone who laughs at my jokes.  There are few better feelings.
• Halloween, including spooky movies, spooky books, and jack-o'-lanterns.
• Discovering new music and, per my Child's request, listening to it over and over.
• Garbage television that is actually incredibly humanizing and also a much-needed diversion.
• Reruns of my beloved favorite show, even when the series finale still makes me sob.
• Despite another impossible pandemic year almost coming to a close, still managing to be on track to watch at least 52 movies this year.
• The future.
• Anyone who reads this blog.

No matter how hard this year has been, I hope it has also contained things that have given you comfort, purpose, and hope for tomorrow.

{Heart}