Resolutions Quadrux: Pre-Internship Edition

Hi chickadees,

Tomorrow kicks off my final year of graduate training.

After making it this far, I've been pretty stunned at how difficult this path has been.  There isn't an easy way to articulate how challenging earning my doctorate has been without slipping into stupid clichés or hyperbole so grandiose as to be impossible to take seriously.  To say "it's been so much harder than I thought it would be" is accurate but utterly fails to communicate that guys.  Seriously.  I cannot BELIEVE how hard this shit has been.

All that being said, I'm trying to turn to face the future instead of holding onto my exhaustion from the past four years.  It really helped me to set my intentions before learning whether and where I would be going on internship, and so I thought I might try doing the same things before I actually go to my first day of internship tomorrow.

So what are my hopes for internship?

1. Finish my dissertation.

So I can gtfo of this grad school bullshit.  

This will necessitate: 

a) Cessation of my avoidance of statistical analyses 

b) Running my statistical analyses

c) Running them a few more times after I discover I did them wrong in some infuriatingly minor way, e.g., some stupid check box defaults to being unchecked each time you run a new analysis even though you ALWAYS WANT IT CHECKED STUPID STATS PROGRAM WHY DON'T YOU LEARN (see also: what happened with thesis)

d) Writing up the results of my analyses

e) Sending dissertation to committee

f) Do ALL THE EDITS

g) Defend!!!!

h) Win!!!!!!!

I didn't use up the entire alphabet listing all the subcomponents, which means this is clearly doable.

2. Remember that every single experience every day is teaching me something, and that is valuable.

Even if it's how not to be or how not to do things, that still counts as something I'm being taught.  Even if I hate it in the moment.  A lot.  Due to my immense capacity for hatred-in-the-moment, maybe also: 

3. Focus on the fact that this is one year, the last thing ever, and I just need to do it and then things will get exponentially easier from then onward.

Translation: I will hopefully thereafter get paid somewhere reasonably closer to commensurate with my training and experience.  After I get licensed, it will be even more awesome.

4. This will be a good year, especially if I decide it will be.

This is a truth I have definitely not mastered or fully integrated into my brainspace at all, which is why this is probably the most important goal of all (after dissertation--definitely all things AFTER dissertation).  

srsly.

The nature of so much--really probably all--experience is determined by the perspective and attitude one chooses.  There's no truly objective interpretation of reality, and so we as humans inherently have to choose our style of reality interpretation.  I have a pretty strong tendency to over-attend to things that frustrate me or make me sad.  As an added perk, these are often things I have no power to change.  This stance obviously doesn't serve me very well.  I'm hoping to shift that with gentle, persistent practice.

I heard a great anecdote on one of my favorite NPR podcasts the other day, attributed to Native American wisdom.  It was about an old man telling his grandson that he had anger and hate and love and kindness all living inside him, fighting each other all the time.  When his grandson asked which side was winning, the grandfather's answer was, "Whichever side I feed."

I definitely need some practice feeding the happy, positive, grateful side of myself.  There's so much in my life to feed it, if I just remember to do it.

So here's to a good year.  I'll be glad to tell you all about it.

Wish me luck!

{Heart}

Epic Revue: July Installment

Oh hi guys,

My little very-last-ever summer break is drawing to a close.

In some ways I feel quite sad about this fact.  I ended up being busier than I expected to be for much of this break, due both to happy things (best friend's wedding, wedding venue shopping with Fiancé, some much-needed family time) and more-banal-but-still-important things (writing ALL THE TESTING REPORTS).  The break therefore ended up being less restorative than I had hoped.

Honestly, even if I'd spent the entirety of the past six weeks in bed with Netflix eating nothing but frozen Greek yogurt, poffertjes, and seaweed snacks, I know it would probably still feel like this break went by too quickly.

Snackies of champions!

However, in reflecting on how this summer has felt and feeling surprised that I still managed to make myself feel overbooked pretty much all on my own, I've decided to take it all as an important learning experience (please note: NOT a "teachable moment").  I started this break feeling really concerned about my capacity to maintain my own self-care, but even though I knew precisely how badly I needed down time, by mid-July I realized I had essentially scheduled myself to the hilt for the entire month.

After a good amount of wtf-ing at myself, I could obviously acknowledge that a certain amount of OH MY GOD DO ALL THE THINGS ALL THE TIME is precisely what has gotten me into and through graduate school.  But seriously?  Fuck that.  It is a terrible life practice and makes me sad, stressed out, and tired.  Also, if grad school is any indication of what the future holds, I will clearly spend a lot of my professional life having lots of people make lots of demands on my time.  The sooner I get really good at carving out and guarding do-very-little time for myself, the better.

So luckily, since these realizations materialized mid-break, I slammed on the brakes on the busy and have actually had some days during which I did very little.  And now I know to watch out for my tendency to create my own scheduling-induced claustrophobia, so that's a bonus.

In spite of all this, I'm starting to feel pretty excited about starting internship.  I feel really positive about meeting new colleagues and clients and getting trained in new things.  Also, even though intern stipends are quite meager, I finally officially get paid for being a therapist this year!!  Holy crap guys!!!

Another important thing that happened during this break: I have watched TWENTY MOVIES.

GUYS THAT IS SO MANY MOVIES.

Because that is seriously so many movies that I might kind of lose track, I think this is an excellent opportunity to resurrect the grand revue post format of yore.

In this installment: all the movies I watched in July.

A Fish Called Wanda (3.5)

My memory of this movie is much warmer than the rating, so you may need to take that 3.5 with a score-enhancing grain of salt.  The performances are so much fun to watch.  Kevin Kline is mesmerizingly murderously insane, Michael Palin's subplot is delightfully harebrained, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super fun as a manipulative con artist with a serious weak spot for foreign accents.  And John Cleese... I mean duh.  It certainly feels a bit dated if you're watching it for the first time like I did, but for me that was part of the appeal.

Katy Perry: A Part of Me (4)

Well.  Regular readers obviously know how I feel about this one.  I feel less and less apologetic for my love for this movie each time I find myself defending it.  Which has been happening kind of frequently lately.

The Muppet Movie (4)

The general dearth of Muppets in my childhood is something that Fiancé is gradually resolving, and accounts for my non-5 ratings of Muppet movies (I've gotten some flack for them in the past).  Even without the benefit of nostalgia, I welled up a little bit during the opening Kermit ballad.  It's just so fucking sweet and earnest.

Kumaré (3)

So basically this guy studied religion in college and was interested in gurus and then he decided to pretend to be one and make a documentary about it and then he kind of decided it was time to stop...?  This is about as much planning as I feel was done for this movie.  It has such an amazing setup with a kind of weirdly anticlimactic resolution.  I suppose that's because the director/star didn't anticipate how successful his ruse would be, but I'm annoyed that he failed to think things through more thoroughly so his social experiment could feel more meaningful.

Also as soon as they were like, "So we need a place where there are gullible people.... Oh hey, Arizona!!", I started swearing a lot.  That stung.

Benny and Joon (2)

Young Johnny Depp is super foxy.

Other than that, I found this movie really frustrating.  They keep describing Joon (played by Mary Stuart Masterson) as "mentally ill," which got really annoying because a) that is a completely annoyingly vague thing to say, as "mental illness" captures a huge range of emotional and behavioral difficulties that vary widely in how they manifest and affect people's lives, and b) whatever the fuck Joon has, I don't think it's a real thing.  Being adorably loopy is not a diagnosis.

Also if she is sick enough to warrant police intervention and repeated hospitalization, an illiterate and aimless Buster Keaton wannabe is not likely to be cut out for thoughtfully and effectively caring for someone with serious needs for support and structure.  I'm not saying that these characters don't deserve love and happiness, obviously, but I think suggesting this pairing has any chance of being successful is ridiculous at best and at worst dangerous.  I know I'm being a massive practical buzzkill over what is meant to be a cute off-beat love story, I just can't get past how irresponsible it feels.

Holy Rollers: The True Story of Card Counting Christians (2)

I had higher hopes for this movie.  It's interesting seeing the players' strategies for gleaning cash from casinos and how blithely they talk about getting kicked out of gambling joints, but beyond that the story kind of peters out.  It could have been a great half hour mini-feature.

Rudy (5)

I am not the type to seek out sports movies (especially about football) and I couldn't believe it when we were halfway through the movie and poor Rudy STILL hadn't gotten admitted to Notre Dame, but that beautiful, patient pacing is so much of why I loved this movie.  I wish filmmakers still had the courage to so deeply explore a character and a story.  I enjoyed the shit out of this film.

Restrepo (5)

I'm sure anything I have to say about this movie will have already been more articulately said, but still: it is brave and devastating on a level that just isn't possible in most films.

I think every American citizen must see "Restrepo" so we have a more accurate sense of responsibility for sending soldiers into inconceivable peril--for what?? Some godforsaken valley in Afghanistan we've never heard of??  If there's one thing in this film that turned my stomach, it's the utter lack of name recognition I felt when the men spoke about their posting.  If there's one thing that broke my heart, it was watching a soldier dissociate mid-testimonial.  This is simply critical viewing for any American.

Ai Weiwei: Never Sorry (5)

Ai Weiwei is one of my favorite living artists (second to Andy Goldsworthy), and this documentary about his life and contemporary rebellion against the Chinese government is exhilarating, enthralling, and terrifying.  It is equal parts profile of an immensely influential and versatile artist and peek into the workings of arguably one of the scariest governments currently in existence.

The Fourth Kind (3)

Fiancé and I wanted junk food scifi, and oh man did we get it.  Like "A Fish Called Wanda," I'm now second-guessing my relatively low rating.  I had a great time watching this movie in spite of its possibly painful taking-itself-seriously-ness.  The pseudo documentary footage is pretty chilling, and Milla Jovovich is great.

Oh I love writing these revues!!  First day of internship is only a few days away, but I hope to write a bit more before the end of the month.  As always, we'll see.

Until next time!

{Heart}