May the Algorithm Be Ever in Your Favor, or: Resolutions Redux, Internship Terror Edition

Well hello.

And here we are.

Tomorrow is Match Day.  Which means I'm in the home stretch of my biggest New Year's Resolution challenge to accept this process as fully and as Buddhistly as possible.

A moment of honesty: at times, I have failed pretty miserably at this resolution.

I maintained a reasonably measured and calm stance through most of my interviews, only to collapse in a heap all of a sudden 2/3 of the way through (in the comfort of my home, happily, but still), totally overwhelmed by all the variables I would have to consider before submitting my ranks.

I dissected and agonized over those variables ad infinitum and asked for input from Boyfriend and every one of my parents and yet felt weirdly blasé when I punched in my ranks a few days before the deadline.  Only to then freak out that I was so un-freaked out.

I have, for the most part, hostilely and ruthlessly punched thoughts of this looming Match Day down into the depths of my subconscious every time they've peaked above the surface because I just haven't been able to figure out a way to comfortably sit with them.

And as I finally arrived at this week, all I could think was, "Jesus I wish I could just be knocked out until Friday morning."

Perhaps I'm being hard on myself.  I've been about as graceful through this process as I could.  Even so, these have not been my most sparkling or most mindful moments.

All the more reason to face these final hours as the challenge they truly are.  Earlier today I contemplated the anticipation of the evening ahead of me, very reasonably expecting near-constant agitation and a fitful night of sleep (if I sleep at all, which I very likely may not), and felt irritable, resentful, and exhausted.  But on the subway home tonight, I decided I would take this as a challenge to my abilities to peacefully embrace what the universe offers me.

After all, nights like these are rare in most lives, in which one is so very aware that life today and life tomorrow will be different.  I'm not likely to have many opportunities to practice grace, peace, and acceptance under these circumstances.

So again: here we are.  I'm going to save my hopes for my colleagues, who are brilliant and deserving of happiness, success, and the validation that a Match will bring.  My challenge to myself is to release my expectations for my own internship outcome and accept what I'm offered tomorrow with gratitude.

May the odds be ever in our favor.

{Hearts}






THAT'S RIGHT I READ THE HUNGER GAMES.  WHAT.