Closing 2012: Remembrances and Resolutions

Dearest readers,

Tonight 2012 comes to a close.  Oddly enough, it feels like not that long ago I was writing the round-up for the movies I watched in 2011.  One of the many things I've learned this year is that being catastrophically overworked warps my sense of time in bizarre ways.  I sometimes forget what day it is or have no idea what time it is, let alone retain an accurate sense of how long ago things happened.  I suppose that's also part of what can happen when suddenly you really are finally pretty much an adult, which is something I accepted sometime in the last year or so, even if it was without consciously thinking about it much.

I never got around to writing out my resolutions for this year, but that's not a terribly good habit to get into.  Having noticed that, I want to take a bit of time to look back on this year and then craft some aspirations for the next one.

Academically, the following things happened this year:

• I finished my thesis, but more crucially, I made the good decision of electing to buy an extra bound copy for my personal possession.  It's surprising how satisfying it is having a hardcover book with your name on the spine--it really compensates for the no-one-will-ever-read-this stuff.
• I successfully presented my comprehensive exam, totally officially earning my Master's degree.
• I applied for and secured my second externship.
• I stayed at my first externship long enough to finish therapeutic work that needed extra time to be done properly.  This made for an exhausting summer, but I'm proud of myself for seeing that work through.
• I defended my dissertation proposal with my fabulous committee.
• I completed applications for internship while only coming terrifyingly close to losing my mind but not losing it altogether, and have received a satisfying number of interviews.
• I finished all but one of my classes required to complete graduate school.

More importantly, these other things happened this year:

• Boyfriend and I celebrated five beautiful years together with a week in the city where we met.  Those were easily the best days of this year.  I would also note that they served as blissful reminders of why I love him so much, but I wouldn't want to make it out like those don't happen all the time.  They do.
• We lost Tommy, but happily only after gaining Charlie.
• My gorgeous, brilliant, spectacular best friend got ENGAGED, and I get to be in her bridal party, and it's basically the best thing ever.
• My stepsister had her first child.  Hurray for babies!
• My stepbrother got engaged like days ago!  Hurray again!!
• I got to spend some really wonderful days with my family at home, where I live now, and in other places.
• Though I unfortunately often forget it, Boyfriend and I got to travel to some beautiful places together, including:

Beautiful

...and delicious.

And:

Lake at sunrise

...and while reclining on a boat.  Not too shabby.

And:

Simply beautiful, all-around.

And finally, already mentioned but still needing to be pictured:

• Also this happened:

nbd

• Which facilitated my falling in love all over again with Nate Silver.

In short, many things, big and small, happened this year, many of which I have good reason to be grateful for.  I remain relieved to say goodbye to 2012, but that's primarily because it feels good that many of these things are done and behind me, and exciting things are surely to come.

So now: resolutions!

1. Increase meditative practice.

I've continued (for the most part) daily meditation, but it's time for me to get more serious about my practice.  I want to read more Buddhist and meditation literature, lengthen my sits, and maybe even go to some sangha events this year.

2. Take more pictures.

As the selection of travel photos might show, I really love photography.  I used to devote a lot of time to taking photos, sorting through them, and posting them.  It has been an immense source of pleasure for me.  I have no business living where I do and not taking pictures.  Even if I lived in a hole in the ground, photography is so soul-nourishing to me that it deserves much more of my time than I've given it in the last few years.  I miss it, so I need to bring it back into my life.

And while I'm at it, I really need to keep reading for fun.  I actually got to do a decent amount of that this year, and I like it way too much to give it up.

3. SERIOUSLY: Call people more.

I have been utterly terrible about talking to people I love this year.  I need to fix that, possibly by having regular call-people-to-bother-them times.

4. Accept and embrace the remainder of the internship process.

This year's terrifying resolution!  I'm having a hard time tolerating the uncertainty of this process.  I may have to move, or I might not.  I may have a summer (which is so amazing to contemplate I really have to not even think about it because I get giddy and sad at the same time and it's just not productive), or as per usual apparently, totally no summer at all (God damn it please no).  I may match in phase one, or phase two, or not at all.  I'm hoping to get myself into a more peaceful mindset before interviews (which start in a week, so good luck to me?), but at the very least before Match Day at the end of February.  Any outcome is a good outcome, because it's what the universe has intended for me.

Right?

Finally: 5. Watch SO MANY MOVIES.

But at least 52.  Duh!

Very Happiest of New Years, everyone!!  I have a really good feeling about 2013!

See you then!

{Heart}

TYSG: Corgi Edition

Hi darlinks,

It's been altogether too long since I posted a Terrible Year Survival Guide Follow-Up, and I've got a pretty serious corgi buzz going from my last post.  Because they're SO GODDAMNED CUTE, I figured you guys could maybe use an extra dose of stubby-legged doggies.

I present to you: Corgis, in three installments.

1. CORGI STAMPEDE.

2. CORGI ATTORNEY.

...14 years of experience KILLS ME.

And finally:

3. CORGI FLOP.

Now, I take a small bow.

{Heart}

Year in Review: Gratitude Edition

Hallooo,

So as per usual I've managed to go a month without writing a post, in spite of having many ideas in my head of things about which I would like to write.  Among those ideas was the desire to write another post while I was home for Thanksgiving to detail the many things for which I'm thankful.  Of course, that didn't happen.

Luckily, Christmas is also a great opportunity to reflect on the preceding year and take stock of the things that signify our luckiness and that make our lives brighter, gentler, and happier.  So in spite of the fact that this post is a month belated, I am fortunate to have a follow-up holiday that provides yet another chance to enumerate the people and things I'm so glad to have in my life.

For added reader enjoyment, I will intersperse my list with CHRISTMAS CORGIS.

You're welcome in advance.

This year, I am immensely grateful for:

1. Surviving 2012.

No, this is not some stupid post-Mayan calendar hysteria.  I knew at the outset of this year that it would be so crammed with grad school insanity that it would basically not exist, kind of like a star collapsing under its own weight and becoming a black hole.  This metaphor paints a pretty accurate picture of how 2012 has felt.

In spite of my intellectual awareness of all that lay before me (externship applications round two, thesis, comps, dissertation proposal, two overlapping externships, internship applications, blah blah blah), as this year has wound down, I've still been startled by just how little I've been in touch with family and friends for the past 12 months.  I know they're waiting patiently for me to finally have a work/school life that is compatible with human life.  However, for this whole year I've simply felt so under siege that removing my grad school blinders for just a few moments to reach out seemed impossible.

In short, I'm really glad this phase of my life is over, and hopeful that I'll have at least a little more time for the many other things in my life that matter, let's be honest, quite a bit more than my graduate training.

However, I'm not simply happy to put this (awful, exhausting, grinding) year behind me.  I'm also honestly and profoundly thankful that it happened.  Even though this has been essentially the hardest 18 months of my life, it has also, as I've said before, driven my personal growth in a way I definitely did not anticipate.  I'm a better professional and person because of this year.  I've learned to be direct without being severe, to set limits with firmness but also kindness, and to build partnerships (at times seemingly from nothing).  I've learned I can get really really hard things done, and to get them done in a smarter way.  I've gotten (somewhat) better at deciding what deserves freaking out and what doesn't.  These are all changes I'm really proud of, and they may not have happened without this wretched year.

2. My fabulous, wonderful family.

I feel like I've drawn closer to and grown with my family this year much more than other years.  My family is packed to the gills with remarkable and amazing people, and I feel so smiled upon by the universe to be on this planet with them.

3. Being able to say goodbye.

We lost a deeply beloved kitten this year.  He was an incredible 21 years old.  I feared his passing for years, not only because I knew nothing would ever fill the void of his absence and he'd been with me so long I couldn't imagine my life without his beautiful companionship, but also because I was terrified he would die without me by his side.  His death was swift without being abrupt and our veterinary clinic was compassionate and sensitive.  I was with him through his last moments, and even though it brought the deepest pain I've felt in a long time, I'm so, so grateful to have been there.  He gave me so much, and it was an honor to be there with him as he exited this life.

More than that, I'm thankful to have gotten so many more years with him than I would have ever expected.  Still, I miss him so much.

4. Not owning noise-canceling headphones, or: meeting a new kitten.

I was walking along one day, listening to music, when even through my headphones I heard plaintive screeching kitten sounds.  After hunting around, I found this guy:

For the briefest of moments I hesitated in taking him home for good, but as my mom pointed out, since fate all but put him in my lap, he was clearly destined for our home.  In consultation with the Humane Society, we were able to adopt him, provide some much-needed medical care, and get great coaching in bottle-feeding tiny furry baby things (he was SO HUNGRY).  He has been such a sweet, lap-warming, snuggling, purring, and at turns completely obnoxious and spastic delight.

The icing on the new-kitten cake is that baby kitten got to meet our old kitten before old kitten left us.  In so many ways, even in times of sadness I've been very lucky this year.

5. Little things that make hard days easier, like funny websites, free contact with the outside world, and brain junkfood*.

6. The Strand.  

God damn I love that store, even though I always spend way too much there--paradoxically, not because it's expensive, but because it's so freaking cheap!  Why not buy 8 books??

Why indeed.

7.  On a related note: great books, great TV, and of course, great movies.

This will be a pretty hard year to decide on my favorite movie, and not just because I've watched 11 in excess of my yearly goal to date (woo!).  In addition to some really fantastic film, I've enjoyed some awesome TV shows and excellent, engaging books.  Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning in media mediocrity, but at the same time we're living in an era of immense creativity--one of many reasons it's a good time to be alive.

While we're at it, Netflix and Roku are really awesome, too.

8. My intelligent, compassionate, thoughtful classmates.

Duh.

9. My wonderful, interesting, funny, loyal, loving, brilliant friends.  

I have the most incredible friends.  Every single time I see or talk to them, I feel renewed and, again, smiled upon by the universe.  I enjoy my life so much because of them.

10. Boyfriend, and his beautiful family.

Boyfriend has essentially carried me through this year.  I have on many occasions been a complete mess because of overwork, underappreciation, overfatigue, and various combinations thereof.  Each year we spend together deepens the richness of our relationship, and it gives me profound satisfaction and happiness to continue building a life with him.

For the first time in my life, I didn't go home for Christmas.  It was really hard to be away from everyone this year, but I was very lucky to spend the holiday with Boyfriend's family.  They are such special, warm, and fun people.  They made me feel so welcomed in their home, as they have ever since I first met them.

Vonnegut once wrote that modern partnerships often fall apart because they try to function as just a dyad, in denial of our nature as pack animals.  He said that when couples fight today, regardless of the surface issue in dispute, what they're really saying is, "You are NOT ENOUGH PEOPLE."

While spending the last few days with Boyfriend's family, I felt so at home.  It was so comfortable settling in with them and deeply enjoying their company.  I already have a pretty massive and fantastic family of my own, but I'm greedy.  With Vonnegut's cautionary warning in mind, I want Boyfriend's family, too, and I'm so thankful to have them.

Also they play the best games of Catan on record.

And, finally:

11. You, dearest readers.

With that, I bid you goodnight with a final Christmas corgi:

{Hearts Aplenty}



* = Adam Carolla has a history of expressing racism and sexism.  I no longer support his work.

My Neighbor Kevin is King of Easy A's, or: Giving Thanks: Summer Movies Edition

Bonsoir,

I'm enjoying a week at where-I-grew-up home and therefore have some tiny bits of precious down time.  This means I finally have the opportunity to review some of the movies I've seen over the past six months!  I will start with a mini revue of the movies I watched this summer.

Since, happily, I watched way too many movies during the summer months to reasonably discuss in one post, I figured I'd select one from each month to write my impressions about and otherwise share the list of the movies viewed June through August.

Here goes!

During June, I watched:
24. The Dictator (2)
25. Prometheus (3)
26. Alien vs. Predator (3)
27. My Neighbor Totoro (4)
28. Age of Innocence (4)
29. Between the Folds (2)
30. We Need to Talk About Kevin (2)

Devoted readers likely remember my post comparing "Prometheus" (2012) and "Alien vs. Predator" (2004), so obviously those two are out of the discussion running.

I'm tempted to immediately violate my own parameters for this post by talking about both "My Neighbor Totoro" (1988) and "We Need to Talk About Kevin" (2011)...

What the hell.

My Neighbor Totoro (4)

Hayao Miyazaki is without question one of the most special, visionary, and thoughtful directors currently making movies.  Though I'm used to the sweeping scope of his more epic projects, this much quieter film is no less remarkable than his others.  As I've mentioned in previous posts, I really admire and appreciate children's movies that (a) don't talk down to kids and (b) address serious topics in ways that are appropriate for children.  This movie bravely, respectfully, and gently contemplates challenges and fears confronted by many children, like the serious illness of a loved one and the increasing responsibility of growing up or being an oldest child.  Plus there are, as always, wonderful magical creatures.  You just can't go wrong with that.

We Need to Talk About Kevin (2)

Lionel Shriver's "We Need to Talk About Kevin" is the most chilling book I've read in a long time.  It's so deeply terrifying because the psychological forces at work in the novel are profoundly, cruelly plausible.  No supernatural influences or bizarre genetic mutations necessary--this is a horror story that feels like it could, and does, actually happen to families.  It's the scariest shit I've read in years,  forcing me to take breathers as I approached the horrible conclusion and reducing me to tears when I finished it.  This book is so goddamned good, and I could not recommend it more highly for the immense skill of its story-telling.

...Which is why the movie based on the book is so stupidly disappointing.  It appears that the director simply decided, in spite of perfectly casting Tilda Swinton and Ezra Miller as the main characters, that because it would be too challenging to portray the cerebral drama of the narrative on screen, the best strategy would be to just skip most of that shit and film what basically amounts to one big montage.  I figure if you're going to make a crappy movie about a really great book, you might as well make a crappy movie that's just un-crappy enough to make people want to read the book upon which it's based.  I'm not even sure this movie is that good, which pisses me off.

Read the book.  Please.

Moving on!  In July, I watched:
31. Deliver Us From Evil (4)
32. King of Devil's Island (4.5)
33. The Amazing Spider-Man (3)
34. Submarine (4)
35. Inglourious Basterds (5)
36. The Dark Knight Rises (5)

King of Devil's Island (4.5)

I swear this isn't just my Scandinavian pride talking: "King of Devil's Island" (2010) is a really wonderful movie.  (Rotten Tomatoes wouldn't lie!)  It's based upon the true story of an uprising at a boys' prison on a remote, frigid island in Norway.  The gorgeous yet austere imagery is supplemented by a haunting refrain of Sigur Ros.  The narrative of tragic courage, hard-won and fragile victories, and desperation-forged but enduring friendships instills an beautiful ache that stays with you.  Lucky you: it's currently available on Netflix watch instantly!

Finally, in August I watched:
37. Following Sean (3)
38. I Am (4)
39. Easy A (4)
40. Brick (3??)

I was thinking I'd write about "Brick" (2005), because as you might have surmised I really don't know exactly what I think of that movie.  A dear friend gave it to me and a colleague whose movie recommendations I trust thought highly of it, and I love Joseph Gordon-Levitt, and I do think it's clever that the dialogue is all slang from the 1940s (?), but I couldn't understand a goddamned thing the characters were saying.  If I need to put subtitles on a movie that's in English because the dialogue is impossible to follow, I'm annoyed.

But in spite of the preceding paragraph, I'm not going to write about "Brick."  Instead:

Easy A (4)

THAT'S RIGHT.  I'm going to write about "Easy A" (2010), the perfectly delightful if not somewhat stupid comedy starring Emma Stone.  I love her, not in small part because she reminds me very strongly of one of my favorite friends in the whole world.  I also thought it was quite clever and fresh, and I laughed out loud on several occasions in spite of watching it in sub-optimal conditions (on my laptop as Boyfriend slept beside me).  Also Malcolm McDowell is totally in it so you know it's at least somewhat legit.

So that about covers us for summer!  (Hopefully) more updates to come very shortly.  If I don't get to write a bit more before the big day, Happy Thanksgiving!!

Hope you enjoyed!  As always, thanks (so much) for reading.

{Heart}

It's the (I Guess Not So) Little Things

Hi guys,

So it's been almost two full months since I posted my brazen, caution-to-the wind post daring fourth year to give me its worst.

Perhaps you've done the math on my 8 weeks or so of absence from this blog.

I've been promising revue posts for months, thinking that I'd seriously be able to stay on top of all of my other obligations and still squeeze in some time for leisure writing.  Not to mention being a real human being who like, answers social phone calls and responds to family member's emails on a timely basis.

Ha.

Well.  The last two months have sucked, but have also been full of little successes.  (Editor's note: Fuck that.  So not even "little."  At least mid-sized to significant.  Some really awesome successes.  I just don't generally like being braggy.)

1) I totally owned the shit out of my dissertation proposal defense, and clearly have what might be the best dissertation committee EVER.

Proof: We giggled over very awkwardly-translated survey items and talked about this site and were done in like 45 minutes even though I reserved the conference room for two hours.

I KNOW: Best. Committee. Ever!

2) I finally, finally finished at old externship, with a pretty sizable serving of... wistfulness.  But also accomplishment.  I'm really glad I got to see my trauma-focused work all the way through, and I'll miss so many of the clients and colleagues I worked with there.  I'm lucky that the experience turned out to be one of growth and overcoming of challenges instead of one of demoralization and disillusionment, as I feared for a time.  I'm really glad to be settled at my new externship, but it doesn't totally feel like home in the completely bizarre way that old externship was starting to feel.

3) In spite of having basically no time to write essays and cover letters, in spite of a massive weather event that has caused some pretty serious shit to go down in my beloved city, in spite of personal exhaustions and irritations with the process that are too numerous to mention, internship applications are submitted!!

So, for those of us keeping score:

Fall Semester:
--Continuing new externship
--Continuing to work with clients at school 
--Ending at old externship (hopefully before October) (Editor's note: Hilarious.)
--Defending dissertation proposal (also before October)
--Starting to collect dissertation data 
--Applying to internship, which will include:

• Writing really annoying essays, like "personal statements"
• Requesting and securing letters of recommendation
• Tallying up (literally) every single hour of clinical stuff I've done since beginning my training
• Identifying a list of cool-sounding sites from a dizzyingly hard-to-navigate database

Which leaves me with three things.  Three things?  I've lost the skill for managing so few things.  I really don't know what I'll do with myself now that I have such a measly list of things.

Solution: Bloggy things, clearly!

In conclusion, I'm glad to have a few moments, finally, to note this little oasis of relief and reflect on some work well done.  Because seriously:

Glad to be back, you guys.

{Heart}

Fourth Year: Commence!

Hola!

It's kind of startling how quickly the summer blew right by.  It's September, and fourth year has begun.  In spite of the fact that I'm quite tired and am still, STILL at old externship and have actually expanded my clinical responsibilities to four sites (being overworked: Now with testing!!),  I'm feeling weirdly optimistic about the next year.  This makes me suspicious, which should tell you something about the emotional abuse that is graduate school.

Let's take a look at what the next year holds:

Fall Semester:
--Continuing new externship
--Continuing to work with clients at school
--Ending at old externship (hopefully before October)
--Defending dissertation proposal (also before October)
--Starting to collect dissertation data
--Applying to internship, which will include:

• Writing really annoying essays, like "personal statements"
• Requesting and securing letters of recommendation
• Tallying up (literally) every single hour of clinical stuff I've done since beginning my training
• Identifying a list of cool-sounding sites from a dizzyingly hard-to-navigate database

Spring Semester:
--Continuing externship
--God willing: Going on internship interviews
--Enduring Match Day and, double-God willing: Matching somewhere (do I dare qualify that with somewhere I like?)
--Completing dissertation data collection
--Commencing senioritis while hopefully not becoming a complete and utter waste of life

Summer:
--Depending on when (triple-God willing) internship starts, actually maybe possibly having a summer that doesn't include 50-60 hour work weeks
--Defending dissertation if I haven't already in the spring

...I will now acknowledge that, after forcing myself to write that list and thereby do some reality testing about what the next year will look like, I'm kind of having heart palpitations.  This is in part because I made the HORRIBLE, INEXCUSABLE mistake of looking at SDN threads on internship applications (people were seriously working on this shit in June???) and am now having to actively regulate my breathing. 

The thing is, (some) people tend to treat this kind of thing like a goddamned arms race, like the first one to perfect all of their essays and hone their list of sites wins, like they want to be able to declare with absolute certainty "My CV could blow up your CV 7 times!!" 

 
Though ironically we are budding mental health professionals, no one has a knack for actually ratcheting up anxiety in others and themselves to thoroughly non-therapeutic ends like frenzied, application-obsessed psychology graduate students.  Especially psychology graduate students on the internet.  I know this will be the case this year, even before fully launching my own internship application industrial complex, because grad school makes you apply for stuff constantly and people love to talk about it all over semi-anonymous websites.  Since internship is the be-all end-all of grad school, this application cycle will surely involve the hysteria of, say, externship applications, with PCP liberally sprinkled on it.

Gah.

Okay: Cue the reframe.

Applying for stuff is exhausting, yes.  But it's also something, as a psych grad student, we're all old hands in.  I've written a million cover letters and personal statements before--evidently winning ones, because here I am.  I've gone on interviews and snagged effective letters of recommendations.  I've had to travel to visit programs while simultaneously juggling other responsibilities.  It's not heaven on Earth, but it's not total hell either.  In its own way, it's kind of exhilarating.  It's shopping for your future life.  And the future is no more grad school.

Yes, best of all: Applying for internship means I'm almost done.

Holy shit guys.  I'm so almost done I can taste it.  I'm so almost done I can just feel actually getting paid for the work I do, and not having classes, only having to be in maybe like two places every week instead of 18, and like... having autonomy. 

So much of the velocity of my head-spinning over the last three years has been generated by this painful awareness that I have precious control over my own life.  I know in an intergalactic sense the notion that I have control over anything that happens to me is cute, hilarious, and naive, but it would just be so nice to have more say in what my day-to-day life looks like than any grad student could possibly expect to have.  Which is no say.  No say at all.

In summary: yes, the next year will be hard, stressful, and anxiety-inducing.  At times, it'll be very, very difficult.  But, as I've perhaps foolishly boasted before, I can do difficult.  Unlike even a few months ago, I now feel so clearly that each step I take is a step toward freedom.  The life I want is just around the corner, and I'm finally close enough that I can hear it calling.

Quadruple-God willing.

In the tiny eye of storm that is this weekend, I plan to finally write my now-assuredly-epic summer revue post.  Keep your eyes peeled.

{Heart}

I can haz high five?

Or better yet....

Dissertation proposal redux is COMPLETE.

{Heart}

Reframes Are a Grad Student's Best Friend

Darlings,

As illustrated by my month-long hiatus from post-writing, my life has been (and continues to be) a bit over-booked this summer.

Here are the things I've been doing that have kept me from writing about movies:

--Working at new externship three days a week.
--You know how I said I'd be at old externship one day a week for the foreseeable future?  Hilarious.  I've been going in two full days a week.  And in spite of concerted and sustained effort, I'm still not done.
--Seeing clients at school.  Yes, that means I'm currently working at three sites!!  (ALL unpaid, but who's keeping track of such piddling details as that?!)
--Going on some delightful little trips with classmates, family, and Boyfriend.

Things I have not been doing enough (in addition to writing about movies):

--Sleeping.
--Writing my dissertation proposal.

The immense mountain of clinical work, while awesome from an applying-to-internship-very-soon perspective, has contributed to the jell-o-ification of my brain in the evening and weekend hours.  This is not conducive to writing intelligently about statistical analyses.  And since I have been nowhere near coherent enough to work on my dissertation during the last few weeks, I have definitely not been intelligible enough to write things for fun.  Plus, I had Olympics to watch.

Priorities.

I have, however, been just conscious enough to snag some dissertationy humor for your enjoyment:

Hee!

Seriously though, although one of my classmates has looked at me like an alien for saying the following, at least at present I assert the following: I'm really looking forward to September, because I think things will feel easier then.  In spite of anticipating this profound depletion of energy almost an entire year in advance, I still find it kind of astonishing how exhausted I've been this summer.  Grad school really has a knack for one-upping itself in the fatigue game.  Even though I'll be preparing to defend my dissertation proposal and begin the terrifying odyssey of applying to internship next month, the prospect of only working at two sites sounds like pure, deliciously achievable bliss right now.

Famous last words, I'm sure.

The truly annoying thing about all this is that I was totally ahead of the dissertation game a few weeks ago.  I was working on my proposal in earnest every weekend like a badass grad student machine for a good stretch, until I hit a serious wall around the time of my last post.  To be fair, part of the issue has been that I've had previous commitments for three of the last four weekends (aka the aforementioned little trips), but I definitely could have achieved more/something if I had been more mentally capable.  The spirit was willing (and by "willing" I mean "instilled with the fear of God," and by "fear of God" I mean "fear of defending my proposal at the last minute, which I really really really don't want to do"), but the mind was utter, undirectable, incapable-of-sustaining-attention mush.

The stance I ultimately adopted was that I've been taking an intentional break from working on my dissertation for a few weeks to recharge my brain batteries in anticipation of renewing my efforts when I am again fully equipped to do so--not that I was delaying writing because I simply couldn't muster the cerebral fortitude.  In psychology language, this is called a reframe.

Reframe (noun): repackaging an anxiety-inducing phenomenon over which you have no control such that you convince yourself that you actually totally meant for things to turn out the way they have.  See also:

Reframe: Example 1

Reframe: Example 2

Calvin and Hobbes 4 life.

Luckily, I think I actually really am still on track to defend before the eleventh hour, which facilitates my not-yet-panicking.  Also good: I'm thinking I've now "taken time off" (note: not "had time taken off by forces beyond my control" Reframe: Example 3) enough that I might actually be in a position to really get shit done this weekend.  I have also reserved Monday as a back-up day during which I will not be going to old externship in case I just can't hack it on Saturday and Sunday.

...It has not escaped my notice at this juncture that I still haven't written a word about the movies I've watched this summer.  However, to channel the deeply behaviorist spirit of my new externship, I think I'll treat writing the next grand revue post as a reward for a serious dissertation  writing effort this weekend.  So if I post within the week, you'll know that my brain is (at least partly) back.

God willing.

Blogger suddenly doesn't let me do hearts anymore, so: {Heart}

Re: Expectations and Batman

Hi everyone,

I recently wrote about the sometimes disappointing clash between one's expectations of a film and the actual experience of the film.  I fretted a bit over the prospects for future summer features after "Prometheus" stomped its big stupid Noomi Rapace-wasting foot on my dreams.

I also wrote about how great it is when a movie defies your low expectations and, to the contrary, wins your heart.

What I didn't speak to was the thrill, the deep, heart-racing, exhilarating gratification, of a film that exceeds your sky-high hopes.

No spoilers, no further comment necessary, save:

This guy?

Doesn't disappoint.

Go see it!  Longer post coming when I know there's less of a chance of spoiling it for anyone.

<3

Another Follow-Up to the Terrible Year Survival Guide

Hi guys,

So even though it appears (fingers crossed) that this rough year thing might be over with, I figure it can't hurt to throw in an occasional booster post for the Terrible Year Survival Guide (hereafter referred to as TYSG).

You just never know when someone out there needs a pick-me-up.

And also, why pass up the opportunity to disseminate youtube videos of BABY ANIMALS DOING CUTE THINGS?

Why indeed:

Happy Thursday!

<3

On Aliens and Expectations

Hi there,

I've concluded a week of training at my new externship, and good God I'm tired.  Because I'm deeply intelligent, I paired each 9-5ish day of intensive training with testing administration each evening, making for four successive 12+ hour days this week.  It's been a really productive and interesting few days, but I'm ultimately just not built for that kind of endurance.  Sleeping in today hasn't taken the edge off the exhaustion, but that's what Sunday's for, right?

During periods in which I have successfully fended off my sleepiness with adequate amounts of caffeine (oh my goodness that free coffee is a godsend!), I'm feeling really excited about my new placement.  My colleagues (professionals and fellow trainees alike) seem so awesome, I kind of can't believe my luck.  The training is so cutting-edge I feel like I should wear body armor.  I got to participate in a day-long group intervention for a rare anxiety disorder and then observe a totally badass family intervention session on Thursday, and to top it all off, one of my fellow trainees totally discovered some beautiful little outdoor plazas where we can hang out when/if we have downtime, because we're actually in a part of the city where we can walk places that aren't just other people's houses.

One of the plazas has this chunk of the Berlin Wall in it.

AMAZING.

AND.  My commute is barely, barely 30 minutes.  My new externship is four subway stops away.  I can't tolerate how much of my life I just stole back from public transit.  I CAN'T.

So that makes for some promising developments.

That aside, on to movies!

Funny thing: I've been acutely aware of the impact of expectations on the films I've seen this month.  It's kind of amazing how your anticipated enjoyment of a movie can affect how much you actually enjoy the actual movie.  It's an odd and sometimes frustrating experience when your preconceptions of a film don't match the thing itself.  In the past four weeks I've experienced several iterations of this phenomenon.  In due time, I will tell you about two of them.

Perhaps strangely, a small selection of movies for which I had exceedingly low expectations have turned out to be some of my most beloved favorites.  I didn't even want to see "Legally Blonde" (2001), but whatever I was trying to see in the theater that day was sold out.  If I'm remembering correctly, the same applied to "Drop Dead Gorgeous" (1999).  Both films are now some of my all-time favorite comedies.  I got dragged kicking and screaming to "28 Days Later" (2002), and we all know how that worked out.

However, expectations can also work against a movie.  For me, this was very much the case with this summer's "Prometheus" (2012).

Expectations: 5+++        Actual Rating: 3

 ...I need a moment.  I'm SO SAD about this movie.

To take a step back: this is the first summer movie season I've been REALLY REALLY excited about in a long time, and "Prometheus" is the first in this year's line-up that I was dying to see.  (See also: "The Dark Knight Rises" and, I'll admit it, "Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter".)

I mean, come on: the formidable, dark and brilliant director Ridley Scott updates one of the most terrifying and important science fiction movies of all time, with everyone's favorite badass Noomi Rapace as the lead and the gorgeous Charlize Theron thrown in as if we needed extra incentive.

And have you SEEN that trailer??

How could this movie NOT be spectacular???

How indeed.  There were so many plot holes and so little payoff for a film whose pieces should've have coalesced into an astonishing, frightening, and transporting whole.  Yes, the effects were pretty awesome and I can't get enough of Ms. Rapace, but at the end of the day this stupid movie seemed like nothing but a giant chapter one to a story that will take several other movies to complete.  It could have been so much better.

It felt kind of like this:

Feeling completely shafted and still jonesing for a decent sci-fi fix, Boyfriend and I decided to watch "AVP: Alien vs. Predator" (2004), which for some bizarre reason he owns.  It was a bit of a defiant move on our part, kind of like: "Oh yeah Ridley Scott?  You're going to make a movie that looks awesome but then screw with our heads and make it actually totally let-downy??  Well now we're going to watch something crappy that we already know is crappy!  See if we're let down now!!"

"So there!!"

Expectations: 1        Actual Rating: 3

THAT'S RIGHT.  I gave it the EXACT SAME RATING as "Prometheus".  You'd think that (arguably generous) rating was just out of spite, but it wasn't.  I can't believe I'm saying this, but I actually genuinely kind of enjoyed "Alien vs. Predator".  It was respectably executed and featured an awesome black heroine (played quite well by Sanaa Lathan), which still annoyingly doesn't happen all that often and is therefore an appreciated touch.  Overall, it was a perfectly fun if stupid movie.

But you know what?  At least I knew it was going to be stupid.  I felt like I was being had by "Prometheus", and we all know I don't like that feeling.  I can respect a stupid movie that embraces its stupidity fully and still delivers something perfectly entertaining, but lacking in self-importance.  There's a place for that kind of movie.

...Apparently that place is in my living room the day after watching "Prometheus".

In any case, my low expectations were completely to the movie's advantage.

With that: I have some assessment reports to write.  So, in the spirit of fully embracing stupidity, I leave you with the following humorous dog meme thing:

You're welcome.

<3

May I Write a Revue for May? I May!

Dearest readers,

I really enjoyed the "grand revue" format I used in May to make up for the depressing lack of content during the last few months.  It seems so much more useful to provide little summaries of the movies I've seen instead of simply presenting the list each month and leaving it at that, so I'm a little surprised it didn't occur to me to do that earlier.

Before I proceed, however, a brief grad school update: I'm technically completing my first externship next week.  I say "technically" because I'll be staying on one day a week for the short-term foreseeable future, since I'm at a stage of therapy with two clients that would make immediate termination inappropriate.  Also I'm apparently a sucker for punishment who loves my 3 hour round-trip commute.

As you might expect, it feels weird kind of ending and kind of not.  This year, in spite of its immense difficulty, has also brought immense growth.  I've managed to get (mostly) comfortable in what has been a pretty hostile environment, and I've been proud of myself for rising to that challenge.  I've managed to give myself a temporary out from having to work through my feelings in wrapping up this chapter of my training and my life, but obviously I'll have to deal with them eventually.

Should be interesting.

In the meantime, I have a week-long training at my new externship during the last week in June.  I'm expecting my next placement to be dramatically different from my current one, which I think will be a significant relief so long as I don't get the bends from the insane culture shock (for example: they have FREE COFFEE--that's right, FREE!).  I'm pretty sure I'll be okay, but again, it should be interesting.  Transitions always are, I suppose.

Finally: I've begun writing my dissertation proposal, and the IRB application for the project has been submitted.  I'm spooked by how easy I'm finding the writing process this time around, but if struggling agonizingly through my thesis taught me anything, it's how to make this shit less painful.

Pro tip: 

Don't read your huge mountain of literature and then start writing.  Write a bit after you finish each article.  Cramming all that stuff into your brain only to let it all fall out before you can make use of it is a great recipe for a case of staggering avoidance of writing induced by irritation overdose.  Nothing is more annoying than trying to find that one useful quote somewhere in 45 articles, only to discover that it actually doesn't say exactly what you need it to, after all gahhhhhh.

I'm sure I'll feel differently in August and September when I'm frantically trying to finish up in preparation for my proposal defense, but in the meantime it's nice feeling productive without the panic that has accompanied so much of my work in grad school.

Now, without further ado: the movies I watched in May.

15. Dear Zachary: A Letter to a Son About His Father (4.5)

I'm getting an upset stomach just thinking about this movie--it's gutwrenching.  That being said, I think it's very special and powerful, and overall a very interesting application of documentary filmmaking.  Definitely see it, but on a day when it'll be okay to feel like crap afterward.

16. Sun Don't Shine (3)

This kicks off the segment of movies on this list that I watched at my very most favorite film festival ever, which I was able to attend because it was the same weekend as my fifth reunion, so I was totally coincidentally in town for it.  

This was an interesting film, but I found the characters kind of grating and therefore had a hard time really caring what happened to them.  However, the director spoke after the screening and pointed out that this movie is special in that it captures the disorienting, surreal limbo between the perpetration of a crime and facing punishment for that crime.  So there's that.

17. The Patron Saints (2)

This documentary is a study of the occupants of a facility that cares for elderly and disabled people.  Unfortunately, due to the non-directive nature of the interviews of each subject, it seems like the opportunity to explore really compelling questions of mortality and end-of-life care went unexploited.  There was little depth where there could have been considerable profundity.

  18. Porfirio (4)

This is a pretty singular film, not just because it's beautifully and intimately shot, but because it can't be neatly categorized as either documentary or fiction.  It recreates the true story of a paraplegic Colombian man named Porfirio Ramirez, with Mr. Ramirez playing himself.  As the Film Fest summary suggested, I would recommend watching the movie before doing any googling so as not to ruin the pretty shocking twist at the end.  In spite of (or really, in part because of) its ultimate moral ambiguity, this is a really special movie.

 19. God Bless America (2)

I feel a bit ungrateful giving this movie such a low rating, because a) director Bobcat Goldthwait was smart, hilarious, and self-deprecating after the screening, b) Goldthwait described the movie as "liberal revenge porn," which kind of makes me feel like I'm obligated to like it, and c) I met John motherfucking Waters after the screening and he was a DELIGHT and I almost swooned.  However, despite the fun casting (OMG it's Freddie Rumsen!!) and some genuinely funny moments, it felt a little stilted, ham-fisted, and preachy, and Bobcat can do so, so much better than that.

This film concludes the Film Fest portion of the revue.

 20. The Avengers (2)

Meh.  For all the excitement, I found this movie completely forgettable.  However, it gets one point each for 1) Robert Downey, Jr., obvi, and 2) now I finally understand why people like the Hulk (also <3 Mark Ruffalo).

21. Into the Abyss (3)

A deeply contemplative, sobering documentary (what else do you expect from the brilliant and slightly strange Werner Herzog?) on the aftermath of a triple murder in Texas, including the death of one of the perpetrators by lethal injection.  In addition to the bracing human touch of each of the film's subjects, this film is a staid yet haunting consideration of the death penalty.

22. Jiro Dreams of Sushi (3.5)

A perfectly delightful documentary about the proprietor and chef of the first Michelin three star rated sushi restaurant, located in Tokyo.  I hoped to enjoy it more, but it was so emotionally restrained that I found myself feeling uninvested in the story.  However, there is a stunning montage of gorgeous, glistening fish set to Mozart that makes the movie worth seeing.

23. Moonrise Kingdom (5)

Well.  You know how I feel about this one.

Thanks for stopping by.  Enjoy your weekend!

<3