Hey everyone,
This year, I've been feeling particularly nostalgic for the summer blockbusters that helped stoke my love of movies when I was younger, especially "Twister" (1996), "Independence Day" (1996), and of course, "Jurassic Park" (1993). So theoretically at least, it's terribly convenient that a new entry into the aforementioned dinosaur movie franchise came out this year.
Let's revisit our old Snap Judgment format for another round of dinos, this time with "Jurassic World Rebirth" (2025)!
Snap judgment: my alternate title for this post was: "Jurassic World Rebirth": Equal Parts Dumb and Fun. And I genuinely stand by that assessment.
Does this newest chapter in the franchise get anywhere near the majesty of the first movie? Absolutely tf not. But after burning my hand multiple times on the hot stoves/steaming piles of the previous few Jurassic Worlds (each of which inspired their own Snap Judgments), I've finally learned to slip on an oven mitt. And by "slip on an over mitt", I mean lower my expectations and prepare to schadenfreude-ly enjoy the stupidity. With that mindset, "Jurassic World Rebirth" is honestly not that bad!
So let's get to it!
- This movie has completely miscalibrated the survivability of its world.
We continue the franchise-honored tradition of dinosaurs chompin on kids in vehicles--this time an inflatable raft. And not only does the kid survive, but so does the inflatable raft.
This is the same franchise that demonstrated a T. rex's power by showing what it could do to a Jeep thusly:
But an inflatable raft... is fine. I cannot stress this enough: An inflatable raft. You know, basically a glorified balloon? Miraculously/improbably withstands T-rex bites. And also the kid is fine.
Also Mahershala Ali survives the mutant T. rex by ........... ????????
Genuinely, the sequence is as follows:
Mahershala Ali: (heroically luring mutant T. rex away to save his friends)
Mutant T. rex: (is lured)
Mahershala Ali: (having successfully lured mutant T. rex, faces his foe, laughing maniacally in the face of death)
Mahershala Ali's friends, seeing Mahershala Ali's flare go out: (escaping but sad, because obviously)
(.....Unclear events transpire.....)
Mahershala Ali: Jk I'm fine lol. Also I have extra flares. Come get me this island sucks.
Look, I'm genuinely glad this movie at least didn't lapse into the trope of killing off all its Black characters, as the first movie did with Samuel L. Jackson.
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| RIP Mr. Arnold :'( |
But also, all it takes to blow up what is surely a billion-dollar scientific endeavor is... a Snickers wrapper?
- This science is.... hilarious.
So the premise of this movie is that our ragtag group of pals must journey to the island where only the most janky of the dinosaurs exist because samples from those dinosaurs could be the missing link in revolutionary medication for heart disease.
The logic is as follows: You need samples from the three biggest dinosaurs because (gestures randomly) their hearts are the biggest (jazz hands!!). And also they have to be alive when you get the samples (chef's kiss).
- The heroic plot twist is.... nonsensical.
For unclear reasons, responsibility for deciding whether to dramatically enrich one evil pharmaceutical company or ensuring the samples lives have been lost collecting are used to benefit all humankind is left not to the paleontologist who might at least have a sense of the science behind how these samples might be helpful, but instead to the mercenary-for-hire.
Her response? "Give it to everyone."
And that's great, and unsurprising given the general moral compass of this franchise. But also, literally what does that mean?? Like... what? Like give what, exactly? Like, everyone gets a lil drop of dinosaur blood/egg sac contents? You know this isn't code you can make open source, right??
- The same tired- and lazy-ass character development.
In "Jurassic World Rebirth", we get to witness a repeat of the Bryce Dallas Howard cold-blooded (lol) money-hungry business lady turned totally unconvincing environmentalist character arc, but this time instead she's Scarlett Johansson's cold-blooded mercenary lady who does illegal stuff for bad corporations turned totally unconvincing humanitarian.
Again:
At least Scarlett Johansson is dressed semi-appropriately for the task.
And then we have the Delgado family, which includes a father who has taken his two daughters on a trans-oceanic voyage on a sailboat he built. And also his daughter's boyfriend.
I have a message for Mr. Delgado:
I'm so sorry. You're in the middle of the *ocean*, presently in the middle of the most isolated part of the planet for a human being, and you're only just now hammering out the shifts for steering your boat and your youngest child is just now learning how to tie knots? And you've done this kind of trip before? Sir. Sir. What in God's name are you doing.
- Stop trying to tell me people don't know dinosaurs are cool.
I will never get past the compulsive premise in these past few Jurassic Worlds (Jurassics World?) that dinosaurs have become boring. Anyone who has ever been to the Museum of Natural History can attest that the dinosaur section isn't exactly under-attended--and that's just to see their *bones*.
The idea that people don't care about dinosaurs is both so unacceptably stupid and unbelievable on its face, and it also undermines the magic and awe that made the first film so unforgettable. "Jurassic Park" gave us all a chance to imagine the overwhelming thrill of actually getting to see real, live dinosaurs--animals that have fascinated human beings for centuries. It is simply inconceivable that people could get to a point where they tire of seeing the real, breathing thing.
Relatedly: I don't need a mutant T. rex (and I refuse to call it a D. rex). No one needs that. I will die on the hill that regular degular Tyrannosaurus Rexes and intelligent raptors are more than scary enough.
All this said, I am honestly happy I saw this movie in theaters. It was so ridiculous and poorly conceived, but it was still a fun little adventure with ultimately kind of low stakes because you know these movies kind of pull their punches and in any event the characters barely exist as embodied, believable people. If you're having some of that dinostalgia that I do, I think this one is worth seeing. I gave it a 3.
{Heart}
