Snap Judgment: "Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom"

Oh hello,

So Husband and I saw "Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom" (2018) this weekend.  To continue the tradition established with "Jurassic World" (2015), I feel I have no choice but to write a follow-up Snap Judgment.

SO MANY DINOSAURS it's GOT to be great, right??
.......Right???????

Spoiler alert: my alternate title for this post was, simply, "Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom" is Terrible.  Feel free to continue reading to learn five bullet-pointed reasons this sentiment is unassailably true!

• Seemingly impossibly, an even less-inspired script than the last one.

In my review of "Jurassic World," I noted that the script was kind of excruciatingly bad.  Every line felt stilted and inauthentic, and every attempt at a zing-y one-liner rang pitifully hollow.  This is, I would argue, an impassable barrier to success for an entry in a movie franchise that was established by "Jurassic Park" (1993), whose whip-smart and infinitely quotable script is peppered throughout with jokes that offer a skillful, wry counterpoint to an otherwise bracing and thrilling adventure.

Well, somehow, "Fallen Kingdom" pulled off what is possibly an even worse script than "Jurassic World," because it didn't even seem to try.  There was a moment or two that threatened to produce a tiny smile, but these were generally sight gags.  None of the dialogue had any life to it whatsoever.

• Rampant necrophilic throw-backing.

There are too many allusions to the original "Jurassic Park" to count, and every single one made me want to angrily shout, "STOP DESECRATING A MOVIE I LOVE."  A selected list:

• Not one, but two T-Rex spin-and-roars.

You know the move.  It's the dinosaur equivalent of Blue Steel.

• Tapping raptor toe-claws.
• Not one, but two moments of child-escaping-being-eaten-by-dinosaur-by-slamming-door-shut-on-tiny-enclosed-space-just-in-time.  (Although of course I have a hard time believing that an old wooden dumbwaiter door would withstand "Fallen Kingdom's" version of the wOrlD's MosT tErRifyInG diNoSaUr, but whatever.)
• Raptors figuring out how to open doors.
• Someone possibly being squished under a car.
• Emotive moment in which a dinosaur fan/expert sees a Brachiosaurus for the first time.  (This might top the list of the most HOW DARE YOU-IEST moments of this stupid, stupid movie.)

What "Fallen Kingdom" seems to fundamentally misunderstand is that imitation of a great movie does not inherently confer that greatness to this film.  To the profound contrary, in this case it simply mercilessly drives home how lackluster "Fallen Kingdom" is, because it reminds you of how great its predecessor was.

• Clothes really do make the woman, evidently.

One of the many irritating aspects of "Jurassic World" was its bizarrely non-existent character development for Bryce Dallas Howard's Claire--except through her costuming.  Well, the profoundly irritating trend continues, to a point that is honestly so confusing I was left wondering, "But seriously, who is this person??"

Before: Spotless Ice Queen!

After: Totally Not That!

See, NOW Claire is wearing military green.  She is letting us know, solely through color choice and with absolutely no explanation, that she isn't a prissy soulless corporate lady anymore; NOW she's an animal rights-loving doe-eyed bleeding heart environmentalist.  Now she's SO committed you guys to saving endangered animals (and by "endangered animals" I mean "ravenous deadly resurrected crimes against nature").

So how committed is she?

She is SO committed that, unlike LITERALLY EVERYONE ELSE who has ever survived a dinosaur-driven debacle in the Jurassic universe, she is totally down to go back to the island that houses the creatures that ate her assistant (TWICE) while also killing and maiming countless others.  Everyone else who was invited back was like, "Hey that was actually a bit traumatic so no thanks," but she was like, "I have a ponytail now, so I can do anything!!"

Scriptwriters Please Note: This is NOT how you write a convincing female character.  Next time, please try giving her thoughts that she sometimes says out loud and that actually make sense in the context of her life experience.

• Utterly stupid plot twists.

I'm not wanting to get too excessively spoiler-y, so I'll just give some examples:

• Dinosaurs with racing stripes.  You can tell this one is EXTRA scary, because its stripe is yellow!
• Clarifying question: Is cyanide gas even a thing?  If so, why have it just out and about in catastrophically large quantities?
• IS she your granddaughter?  Well IS SHE??
• STOP RUINING BD WONG.

• Literally no substantive resemblance to the original.

See, I'm upset about "Jurassic World" and "Fallen Kingdom" because "Jurassic Park" is truly a special movie.  I assert that not simply because I fought my parents to see it when I was a scant few years shy of its PG-13 rating, not because my perspective is skewed by seeing it for the first time with the eyes of a child.  As you know, I watched the move again relatively recently, and it still holds a formidable amount of power.  My beef with Steven Spielberg is solidly on hold when it comes to "Jurassic Park," because it is just a damn fine movie.  

What "Jurassic World" and "Fallen Kingdom" are lacking is not just a snappy script.  It's not just missing John Williams' beautiful, compelling score, although good God it sure hurts not to have it.  It's also that there is no spirit of scientific study and discovery, lived through scientists who have studied these creatures across millennia and toiled to answer unanswerable questions.  

It's also the lack of pacing, not having any idea when to hold back on the reveal of a terrifying row of teeth or literally gut-wrenching claw or a volcanic eruption and when to hit the gas pedal in the Jeep.  

Fundamentally, these movies are missing the ability to elicit the full range of emotions that "Jurassic Park" created: the visceral dread, throat-tightening fear, and most importantly, the wonder and awe.  Given the opportunity, who wouldn't take the chance to glimpse a real dinosaur?

This brings us to the problem with any sequels to "Jurassic Park," I suspect: Dinosaurs can't become boring.  If you're trying to improve upon the scary-factor of a freaking Tyrannosaurus Rex, you have simply missed the boat on this premise.  If you're not letting us access the era-that-never-was joy and thrill of seeing a towering herbivore for the first time or caring for a sick Triceratops, you don't get the point.  

If that original spirit was somehow retained in the movies that have followed, I would not be able to complain about them nearly as stridently.  Because those movies would at least be trying to honor the film-making excellence of "Jurassic Park."  But instead, they just want to cash in on the fact that dinosaur-loving suckers like me will buy a movie ticket just on the off-chance they can genuinely relive seeing that first Brachiosaur.

Shocking no one, I gave "Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom" a 1.

{Heart}