This really annoying thing happens to me sometimes. As someone who loves watching movies and particularly loves watching movies in theaters, it at times borders on devastating. It's like this thing I really love and admire and respect, this thing I thought was my friend, suddenly turns on me. It's kind of the worst.
Sometimes, movies make me throw up.
It's true: Bouncy-Ass cameRa Feels Syndrome (BARFS) is real, and I am a victim.
I have been felled by this terrible condition enough to discern that a clear pattern delineates BARFS-inducing movies from the kinder, gentler films. There are two major criteria that put a film and its viewers at serious risk of BARFS. They are:
Criterion B: Bouncy-Ass cameRa work
In the earlier stages of this blog, I lamented the "Blair Witch"-ification of cinematography. Very unfortunately, there is still a poorly informed school of thought among the proud pantheon of filmmakers that thinks jiggling the shit out of the camera for 90+ minutes straight is a clever storytelling choice.
IT IS CATEGORICALLY NOT. I do not enjoy the inducement of seasickness while I could be enjoying my pleasant reclining cup-holders-for-arms chair in the blissful dark of a movie theater for like $18 a pop (not even exaggerating: movie tickets are hellaaaaa expensive in our fair city). I could ride a ferry to an outer borough on a windy day for free if I wanted to feel all tossed-around for funsies thank you very much.
Criterion F: too many Feels
The risk of a movie inducing BARFS increases exponentially when its content consists of exceedingly heightened, uncomfortable, sad, distressing, or otherwise unpleasant emotions. I might already feel emotionally queasy if the godammned camera stayed in one place. This effect is intolerably heightened when the inner emotional experience is rendered outward through butterfingers-y camerawork.
Why am I bringing this to your attention now? I'm glad you asked.
Part of the reason BARFS pisses me off is, despite my purest intent to finish a film, I am often rendered incapable of doing so. Especially when a New Year's resolution is on the line, this is a serious issue. On one hand, I feel guilty if I include such a film in my list of movies watched for a year. Alternatively, I would finish the movie if it weren't made by inconsiderate douche nozzles, so it doesn't seem fair that I can't include it.
Here's my solution to this obviously quite grave conundrum: I will allow myself to include these movies in my movies watched list, but I'll write a post detailing my personal history of BARFS to warn other sufferers away from them and to atone for the ever-so-slight dishonesty factor.
Offender #1: "Hancock" (2008)
BARFS Criteria: From what I'm remembering, there was some decently wobbly camera stuff happening. Although I don't think there were full-octane feelings, it did have a bit of a dystopian nihilistic bleh affect that arguably meets Criterion F.
The Fallout (phrasing!): I don't think I actually barfed, but I did walk out of the movie about halfway through because I was too miserably nauseated. Also the movie wasn't all that great. But still! Apparently there's some kind of twist in this movie? I will never know the twist.
Offender #2: "Rachel Getting Married" (2008)
I'll be honest: I think this movie kind of ruined Anne Hathaway for me.
BARFS Criteria: Super shaky camerawork coupled with a hellish rainbow of family-imploding post-traumatic emotion. Criteria fully and unequivocally met.
The Fallout: I definitely barfed. I somehow toughed it out, but only because I spent most of the movie with my eyes closed to at least mitigate against the Criteria B factor. Without also plugging one's ears, though, there's not escaping the horrific onslaught of full-blown Criterion F.
Offender #3: "Coraline" (2009)
Perhaps coincidentally, I saw "Coraline" at the same theater where I saw "Hancock," which might make one suspicious of that particular grocery store-adjacent cinematheque. However, I totally saw other movies there ("The Simpsons Movie" (2007), woo!) and "Rachel Getting Married" already proves that BARFS is not a location-specific phenomenon. I hold the films 100% accountable.
BARFS Criteria: What this film lacked in Criterion B it made up for in abundant Criterion F, super creepy and disconcerting subtype. WHAT THE F IS WITH THE BUTTON EYES. AND THIS MOVIE IS FOR CHILDREN?!
The Fallout: Pretty sure I barfed. Again, I tried to stick with it and finish the movie, but there's just no winning in a battle with BARFS. This is when I learned that once BARFS takes hold, the only recourse is to abandon ship.
Offender #4: "Melancholia" (2011)
BARFS Criteria: Don't be fooled by the smooth, slow-motion cinematography of the opening sequence of this movie. The remainder is two solid hours of loopy camera paired with doomed marriage, crippling mental illness, and the end of world.
The Fallout: I uncovered a possible genetic component of BARFS when I saw this movie with my brother and we mutually determined we had to walk out because we were going to vomit. I tried to take the power back from BARFS with this one by later watching the remainder of the film on Netflix, and I still couldn't do it. THERE IS NO CONQUERING BARFS.
Offender #5: "Beasts of the Southern Wild" (2012)
Unlike the "Rachel Getting Married" effect, I'm really sad I couldn't finish this movie because Quvenzhané Wallis is the cutest thing and from what I saw of it, she gave a transfixing performance in this movie. But major caveat: I saw very little of it.
BARFS Criteria: All wobbly camera all the time, except during the intervening sequences when monstrous boars were depicted stampeding through a landscape. To that point, Criterion F includes profound poverty, catastrophic natural disasters, and a sweet, vulnerable, beautiful child getting bandied about by the crushingly cruel hand of fate.
The Fallout: Totally barfed. A lot. Tried to tough it out and just couldn't. Caveat: I had also shared a smallish pitcher of delicious sangria with my aunt before seeing this film, which definitely did not increase my BARFS threshhold.
Offender #6: "The Wolfpack" (2015)
And now, the inspiration for today's post.
BARFS Criteria: Largely home-movie style shooting because it was actually largely comprised of home-movie footage, so at least the film comes by its Criterion B honestly. As for Criterion F, the film depicts the actual, real-life story of a large family essentially held prisoner in their apartment for years by the cult-y, totalitarianistic father. So yeah.
The Fallout: I went to see this movie at an event at my favorite cinema-related museum that included the director and the cast of the movie. It would have been really cool to hear their reactions to this film, which possibly changed the lives of its subjects. And even after keeping my eyes closed for like 75% of the movie, I just couldn't do it. No barfing, but I've learned to surrender to BARFS before it's too late.
Dear readers, you've been warned!
{Heart}
