On Making it Through a Terrible Year (A Guide in Development)

Hi guys,

I know I’ve already made this abundantly clear, but: third year has been pretty rough. I wouldn’t have thought that things so trivial as a crappy commute, not enough sleep, or too much work would be sufficient to make me not-myself for months at a time, but here we are.

 
As the feeling crappy settled in this fall, I spent a lot of time beating myself up for being such a Whiny Pants McWeakling, but since that only made me feel worse, I then decided to just try my best to be honest with myself about how I’ve been feeling and try to figure out how to make it better instead of being all self-judgy. After all, the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem, right?

Part of fixing a problem is understanding how it started.  So: what was hard about this past semester is that I felt like I was undergoing a near-constant existential crisis, induced by the withering conditions of third year.

Under most conditions: I love being a therapist. I am so lucky to get to do what I do, because there are so many jobs that don’t include incredible life affirmation as a fringe benefit like my work does. I am grateful for my sense of purpose and direction, because there are so many people who don’t have that and it can feel awful.

Under this past semester conditions: All of those things were still true, but especially that very last part about feeling awful. As fall gradually faded into winter, I retained an intellectual awareness that I’m on the path I chose for many, many good reasons, and that I clearly don’t suck at my work because a lot of smart, experienced, and thoughtful people had to support me for me to get where I am now. But then, somehow, I started to lose the courage of those intellectual convictions. My confidence in my own abilities started to evaporate. Without that confidence, it was hard to be sure that I really am good enough at what I do to justify continuing to do it. And if I’m not good at what I do, that is clearly terrible.

Also if I am good at what I do (probably true), and if what I do is important (definitely true), why am I so freaking broke, tired, and worked down to a little husk of my former self?

All the time, I found myself thinking, "Why can’t this be just a little bit easier??"

Commence miserable existential crisis spiral.  Temporary loss of purpose and direction attained.

Luckily, it appears I may have dug my way out of my little emo hole. I still feel a little skittish about saying that, like acknowledging out loud that I feel better will remind the universe to knock me down a peg or ten. But it’s been about a month and a half now since I was last abjectly miserable, so that’s a sign that some optimism is in order!

Obviously not every rough patch looks just like this. Sometimes people can feel sad without having any idea why. In my case, I knew why I felt sad, but that simply wasn't enough to wrangle myself out of the crappy feelings. In any event, knowing that everyone’s life has the occasional unhappy period, I thought it would be helpful to record some of the strategies that did help bring me back to myself. Hopefully it’ll be helpful to someone else, too.

There are four steps to really crappy year relief!

1. Remind yourself of who you are and who you want to be, and be that no matter what.

We all get to make choices about the kind of person we want to be. When you feel crappy all the time, it can feel like you've made the wrong choices. If it’s working with people who are overly critical or difficult, doing things that are really hard all the time, or simply not being told that you don’t suck often enough, sometimes it can feel like you need to be completely different than who you are just so the world will cut you a break.

To the contrary! This is an opportunity to reclaim your sense of purpose. Think about what kind of person you want to be. Think about the impact you want to have on the world around you. Be brave, opinionated, assertive, intelligent, kind, and funny. Think about how you can promote the common good. Ask questions when things don’t sound right to you. Be principled and thoughtful. Go above and beyond for the things that matter to you because you’re AWESOME, and awesome people wouldn’t settle for less. Damn the torpedoes!!

Don't flinch!

It's tempting to just mold yourself to meet the demands of an overly critical or taxing environment, like you're molding yourself into a fetal position while under attack by a big scary bear.  But remember: no matter how we choose to be, there are always going to be some people who love us and some people who hate us. Dealing with people who don’t like you for whatever reason is apparently just a part of life. They might as well dislike you because of something you fully embrace and are proud of, right?

What’s great about sticking to your being-true-to-your-inner-spectacular-human guns is: Virtue is its own reward. Living with purpose and intention is centering and gratifying in and of itself, and it makes it easier to disregard the bullshit. If you’re truly satisfied with who you are, then odds are that your detractors will be people you wouldn’t want to be friends with, anyway.  And you get to be someone you're proud of, which is really hard to feel crappy about.

2. Be the change you want to see in the world. (Or do unto others as you would have them do unto you, etc. etc. etc.)

This may seem redundant with step one. However, step one is the theoretical and reflective yin to step two’s more practical yang. Step two is how step one gets implemented.

So you’ve checked in with yourself, done a personal strengths and shortcomings inventory, made note of the values that you feel are core to your inner fantastic human, and now you have to embody them. This takes practice, so it may be best to start small.

For example: I’ve long held the motto, “Leave things looking better than you found them.” This could mean straightening up a shared space so that it’s nice for the next person who uses it, or trying to always be polite to strangers. Generally speaking, I’m just trying to take care of others and make the world a little more pleasant to be in.

About two months ago, I was in the unit where my clients live at my externship, and an administrator came in to introduce a new milieu therapist. As he went around the room naming everyone, he got to me and added, “She’s always smiling!”

I almost burst out laughing. The irony! He really must have had no idea how tired and stressed I was feeling. Was I really so good at faking it?

Apparently, the answer to that question is yes. And I’m glad! The work everyone does at my externship is really hard, and really important. Everyone gives so much of themselves to help very mentally ill children get better. They all deserve a smile in the hallway, and God knows our clients could use a little extra warmth here and there. So my hope is that, by smiling at everyone, I’m making them feel just a little bit better about what they’re doing. When the administrator noticed that I’m always smiling, even though my smiles are often incongruous with how I’m feeling, it felt good. Your values shouldn’t vary based on your mood, after all. I was happy to hear some evidence that I’d gotten so used to trying to brighten everywhere I go, even in this very small way, that it had become second nature.

Needless to say, however, this practice takes some energy, so...

3. Prioritize your own self care*.

Your life needs to be about more than just school or work. You are a whole person! If you don’t do anything EXCEPT school or work, you’ll be really boring and your life will be like one narrow boring tunnel. No boring tunnel people!! You are a person, not a mole!

Not you!

Seriously. Have a life outside of work. Make dinner with your boyfriend. Go out for drinks with your friends. Go see a movie. Try new restaurants. Meditate. Get massages and hair cuts. Get your nails done (this may sound sexist but it totally isn't--dudes can get mani/pedis too!). Go to the gym. Write silly blog posts! Plan vacations. Go to parks. Go to therapy. See your doctor and dentist. Stay home if you’re sick.

Devote time to the other important things in your life. This is a way not only of helping yourself feel better, but showing yourself that you deserve to be cared for.

*4. Except sometimes that’s impossible due to lack of energy, funds, and/or time, in which case: Find little ways to be nice to yourself.

This is particularly relevant for periods in your life in which you are so freaking overworked that you seriously lack the basic resources necessary to do anything recreational lasting more than 34 minutes. In lieu of bigger indulgences, small gestures of kindness-to-self can go a long way. What’s great is that they often take very little time, effort, or money. If you think about it for a bit, you can basically find some way to be nice to yourself in almost any situation.

Featured therapeutic baby animal: Baby Beluga Whale!

Buy yourself flowers, or a thingie of ice cream. Give yourself 10 minutes of guiltless dick-around-on-the-Internet time. Send a text message to a friend you love. Ask for a hug. Put off something that really can wait until tomorrow. Stretch. Wear your most comfortable work clothes to work. Take the emergency exit out of the subway instead of waiting for the endless bottleneck of people to subside. Fuck the dishes: go straight to bed. Pet your kittens. Do google image searches for things that make you happy, like baby animals or beautiful places. Facebook stalk your best friend, not people you don’t like! Ask for a seat on the subway if you’re really tired. Doodle something funny.

One major nice thing I’ve done for myself is make a playlist of my favorite happy or generally you-kick-ass songs. This is such an easy way to cheer yourself up. Just pop on your headphones for a few minutes! Lately, one of my favorite additions to this list has been the following track from the much-lauded-on-this-blog “Hanna” soundtrack:

                                                 

It’s so good! This song will never let you forget how much ass you kick, and how beautiful life is.

With that, I leave you. I hope everyone’s feeling happy and purposeful, and that if you’re not, you find your way back there very soon. The path isn’t always clear, but it’s always there.

<3